Feb 11, 2015 6 min read

Q.I’m an embarrassed mom. My 14-year-old asked me to take her to see “Fifty Shades of Grey” this weekend. I said, “Absolutely not, you’re way too young for that movie. And it’s smut anyway.” To which she responded: “Yeah, well, I already read the books, so what’s the big deal?” I was shocked and ready to lose it when she said, “I read it off your Kindle, mom.” So now what do I do? Not only did my daughter catch me reading this series, she’s read it herself. Help! Any advice?

Embarrassed mom

Mary Jo’s Response: I’m thrilled you wrote to me. I was hoping I’d receive a question about “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Addressing this cultural phenomenon is important. Thank you.

I believe your situation is a true teachable moment. Talking with your daughter now is a huge opportunity. Please note my choice of words. Talk with her, not at her. A thoughtful, emphatic discussion about healthy relationships can open doors for further communication and strengthen your mother/daughter bond. Parents matter.

Your embarrassment probably stems from a feeling common to many parents in America – the realization their children will discover adults are sexual beings is frightening. Every person is sexual; sexuality is part of being human, whether or not an individual is involved sexually. Your daughter needs you.

Let’s talk about “Fifty Shades of Grey.” True confession: I started the books when so many of my students were reading them, but didn’t finish all of them. I’ll be kind – the author’s writing style wasn’t appealing to me. I researched the books and movie, however. You may be surprised to discover how easy it is to read a full plot synopsis online; a friend and colleague, Kirsten deFur, wrote a blog for sexuality educators called “50 Shades of Grey: I read it so you don’t have to.” Kirsten’s words are incredibly helpful. I also read a peer-reviewed study in the Journal of Women’s Health entitled, “‘Double crap!’ Abuse and Harmed Identity in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.'”

Let me be clear. My comments are directed at the messages I think young people may receive about relationships from this book series and movie, not as a book or movie review. Your daughter isn’t the only 14-year-old reading “Fifty Shades.” In 2013, I did my own informal research and discovered a statistic that may surprise you: Of the many young people reading and discussing the book in my classes, more than 40 percent received the books from their parents, with parental approval. I hope those parents are talking with their teens.

Spoiler alert: “Fifty Shades of Grey” depicts a sexual relationship between Christian, a 28-year-old multi-millionaire who is the dominant in the story, and Anastasia, a 22-year-old college student and sexually inexperienced young woman. In my opinion, this fictional relationship is not a healthy one.

Here’s why:

• Christian controls Anastasia. There are more symptoms of an emotionally abusive relationship in just the first book than I can recount here. Christian stalks Ana, limits her social contact with others and intimidates her. Her reactions are indicative of a person in an abusive relationship.

• Pervasive intimate partner violence is depicted throughout the story. The plot clearly follows the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s IPV definitions of emotional abuse (intimidation/threats, isolation, stalking and humiliation) and sexual violence (forced sex acts/contact against a person’s will, including using alcohol/drugs or intimidation/pressure).

• The relationship is based on BDSM sexual behavior (bondage/discipline, domination/submission, sadism/masochism) but, according to my research, is often inaccurate in its depiction of BDSM. For example, Anastasia is given a contract, but sexual encounters proceed without her completing it or agreeing to a safe word. The power dynamics in the relationship are unhealthy and communication is shut down. Consent is key in all adult sexual encounters; Ana’s consent is either absent or coerced.

• The book depicts Christian as drawn to BDSM due to childhood abuse. Linking abuse survivors to BDSM is not only inaccurate, it perpetuates stereotypes.

• Finally, and most important to me, some young people are enamored of this relationship. I’ve heard young women your daughter’s age wishing for a boyfriend “just like Christian.” Perhaps the most damaging message of all is the ending. Like a fairy tale, all works out in the end. Abusive relationships don’t segue into “happy ever after” lives. It’s time for some proactive teaching.

Spend private time with your daughter. Listen to her without judgement. Find out what drew her to the books. A desire to know what her peers are discussing is real. At 14, she’s curious about sexuality. Living in 2015, she’s surrounded by sexual content in the media. Don’t deny her information or mock her curiosity. If she’s curious, you’re her teacher.

One positive side of the books – they make it easier to start talking about sexual topics. You can help her develop her own value system. Share this column with her. Seek and respect her opinion. Talk about healthy relationships. Young people learn best by example, so model healthy choices and communicate with her regularly. Please keep in touch with me. I’ll be happy to connect you and your daughter as your discussion unfolds.

Peer Educator Response: It’s important to understand that the relationship portrayed in the series is not healthy and should not be romanticized or idealized, but also that your daughter’s sociological, cultural and sexual education are her rights. Teens become more sexually active and curious as the years go on. It is important not to hinder her from learning about sex. You should talk to her about it instead of being upset at her. You’re right about the movie, a 14-year-old should not watch it.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.