Jun 17, 2015 5 min read

Q.My youth pastor told me to write you, even though we’ve never met. He says you can help me sort this out. I’ve been best friends with someone for six years. I’ve changed a lot in the last couple of those years. I’m a lot more open-minded now. My friend hasn’t changed. Sometimes she says things about other people that are really horrible … racist or homophobic things. I still care for her as a friend. Do you think it’s possible for us to stay friends when we disagree on things that matter a lot to me? I’ve tried to explain that I’m an ally and she should be one, too. How can I be a good ally if I’m her friend? How can I be a good ally every day?

18-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: You’re facing a common dilemma. How much do friends need to agree?

A dear friend of mine, Elisabeth Bing, was the founder of childbirth education in America. I had the honor and joy of attending her 100th birthday celebration last July 8. Even though she died a few weeks short of her 101st birthday, her wisdom echoes in my head. I’ll never forget her comment: “What has happened to civil discourse in America? When did it become so very difficult to disagree and still coexist?” Her questions are important. I think respecting others even when we disagree is challenging but vital to society.

Friends don’t always agree. People’s opinions often evolve. If your friend is willing to engage in open dialogue and you are both able to discuss your opinions respectfully, you can remain friends even while disagreeing on key points.

The challenge may arise when a person’s opinions translate into action. I’ll give you an example. I became a birth advocate in the ’70s. My mission was focused on a woman’s right to informed choices during pregnancy, labor and birth. An instructor friend from nursing school was committed to the medical model as it existed then. She thought the idea of men attending childbirth was ridiculous. We disagreed. As I became more and more involved in childbirth education, it became more and more challenging to discuss this key point. Yet we remained friends until the day when she took a strong stand in opposition to my position at our hospital. At that point I had a difficult decision to make. While I still respected her as a person and continued to treat her well, we both felt uncomfortable spending social time together. Our opinions had became actions. In time she changed her mind. By her retirement she’d evolved into a strong supporter of doulas (people who support women in labor) and other support persons. Our friendship blossomed again.

The topics you mention are significant ones. You ask how to be a good ally. I am an ally to many groups. As a person born with white privilege I am committed to racial justice as an ally. As a person living without a disability, I am an ally to individuals living with all abilities. As a cis-gender, heterosexual woman, I am ally to the LGBTQAI community. I believe allies are a lot like sports fans. We cheer for the team, we wear the team shirt, we support the team and we defend the team. When it comes time for a press conference, however, we step aside. A good ally is respectful of difference. A good ally models the belief “each person is a person of worth.”

Your friend may not be ready to be an ally to the groups you support. She may never agree with you. Your decision is difficult. Can you remain friends when her disagreement feels hurtful to you? I suggest you share your discomfort with her. If she’s a good friend she’ll hear you. She may agree to avoid negative comments. If you can both “agree to disagree” respectfully, your friendship will thrive. Communicate. Good luck.

Peer Educator response:

We talk about race, sex, gender identity and all that stuff with our friends. We don’t always all agree, but it’s good to discuss things just to get different points of view. Some of us have friends with very different views. It’s all about being able to accept people’s imperfections. As long as your friend isn’t attacking others, we think you can remain friends. If your friend becomes disrespectful and hurtful, you may want to re-evaluate the friendship.

Youth Champions

Shout-out to the authors and artists in our first “Anthology: Between Aphrodite and a Baby Penguin: Young People’s Voices.” The Anthology will premiere Thursday at our third Arts Day (5 to 7 p.m. at the Common Ground Teen Center, 53 N. College St.). The public is invited. “Between Aphrodite and a Baby Penguin” features the following young people’s original art, fiction, non-fiction, photography and poetry: Mallorey Allen, Kacy Barton, Kate Brock, Spencer Bryner, Amanda Campbell, Sasha Edwards, Serena Green, Elisabeth Gysi, Julie Jones, Jackson Legler, Robbi Linton, Tammy Lucidia, Casey R., Dawn O’Reilly, Gavin Saldivar, Amelia Sand, Raelynn Marie Sanders, Daniel Shaffer, C.S. Vincent and Maci Ward.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.