Sep 4, 2015 3 min read

I live in Pittsburgh. It’s almost sacrilegious to make fun of zombies in the tri-state area. After all, we are the zombie capital of the world. We invented them.

“Sean of the Dead” stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost even went to Monroeville Mall a few years back to pay homage to the movie “Dawn of the Dead.”

That’s commitment. I don’t even like to go to Monroeville, and it’s only 30 minutes away.

I was looking at the fall television schedule and I see undead people, hordes of them.

There are a lot of shows about zombies, “The Walking Dead,” “Fear the Walking Dead,” and even “The Talking Dead,” a show where they discuss “The Walking Dead.” I suppose we’ll have “Talking and Walking with Fear,” a show where they discuss “The Walking Dead” spinoff show. It’s zombie overkill (the word overkill is striking me as particularly ironic considering the topic).

I am not a fan of zombie shows. I’ve never been a fan of the genre.

I got to thinking, like I do: Aren’t zombies just sharks with feet?

The thought of sharks with feet is a terrifying idea, and I hope I didn’t give any mad scientists any new ideas. Actually, I’m sure the SyFy network must have come up with a show about bipedal sharks by now.

Side note: I’m not a fan of sharks, either, whether they are in the form of documentary programming, or come in some sort of weather-related situation, such as “Sharknado.” Here’s the thing about sharks that I don’t like: Too many teeth.

But I digress, like I do. There’s even a show where the hero IS a zombie. In “iZombie,” a young woman helps Seattle police solve murders by experiencing the memories of the victim. How does she do this? She eats the victims’ brains. She’s like Sherlock Holmes with Hannibal Lecter’s taste buds.

I haven’t seen an episode of it, but I’m curious why they put the lower case i in “iZombie.” Did she eat Steve Jobs? My guess is that she is an upgrade, since she’s not roaming and groaning like the rest of the undead hordes.

I think my biggest problem with all these shows is most of them take place after an apocalypse. So, even when the good guys win, they’ve already lost. That’s a gloomy premise. The heroes can’t go to a bar and just grab a drink after fighting off a horde of shuffling brain-eaters.

There are few wedding episodes. I like a nice wedding episode.

I might be Pollyannaish, but I want a happy ending. I want my shows to end with a will-they-or-won’t-they couple finally kissing passionately.

I may have to go back to Nick at Nite and watch “Friends,” “Cheers” or “The Golden Girls.” I need my zombie-free TV.

If I keep watching television, my brain will shrivel to the point where it won’t be appetizing enough for a zombie to even bother eating it. See. I’ll get my happy ending eventually.