Feb 3, 2016 4 min read

Q.I think my best friend is going to have oral. It’s all she talks about. I think it’s a huge mistake. She says it’s not like it’s real sex. I want to know what she thinks real sex is. Aren’t there risks? She’s the same age as me. And I’m upset because I think he may be forcing her or at least maybe talking her into this. She won’t listen to me. What should I do?

-15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Young people often share with best friends before anyone else. Your role is to offer support and honest answers to her questions. Trying to be a friend without judging is difficult, but important, even when a friend makes choices you wouldn’t make.

Sexual experiences are varied. Discussing what “real sex” is can be complicated. In my opinion, if an experience is sexual, then it’s real.

Sexuality is part of our lives; some people think about sex more than others, but every person is a sexual being. Many young people wait to get involved sexually; waiting doesn’t mean the person isn’t a sexual being. Touch – simple physical touch like holding hands – can be sexual. Kissing can be sexual. Intimacy is part of sexuality. Intimacy is more than touch; intimacy involves closeness, trust and the security long-term partners develop over time.

Our culture typically defines sex as “real” when it involves a man and a woman, the body parts (genitals) associated with men and women, and one type of sexual act. In truth, sexual experiences can be with two men, with two women or with people who identify outside the gender binary (two sexes). Sex is as varied as people are unique. Is an oral experience sexual? Yes.

Risk is real with sexual experiences. A common risk is transmission of a sexually transmitted infection (STIs). An STI can be spread through oral contact. Another real risk deals with the emotional maturity of the individuals involved. As her friend, you cannot know her emotional maturity, but at 15 she may not realize what can happen to her reputation, to her relationship or to her friendships. She may or may not be ready. I would love to talk with her. I’ve met with many young people who are unsure about becoming sexually involved. Thinking about her reasons for having sex before she does is healthy. One of the first things she needs to consider is her belief system. If she’s been taught having sex at 15 is wrong, she will feel guilt. I can help her consider consequences before she is involved. Please give her my cell number.

Finally, you raise the important issue of consent. Consent is key to any sexual experience, even kissing. No one should be forced or coerced (talked into) an experience. Consent means people in a sexual encounter agree to it and anyone may stop at any time. A person cannot give consent when drunk or high. Consent given today doesn’t mean consent tomorrow. Consent to one type of sexual experience (like kissing) does not mean the person consents to any other type of experience.

Peer educators’ response: Oral is still sex. Of course, everyone’s definition of sex is their own. Oral is pretty common. Don’t tell your friend she’s making a mistake – she won’t stop anyway, and you’ll lose contact with her. We believe when people decide to have sex, you can’t stop them. She needs to know about STIs. She needs to know about consent. She’s just making excuses about it by saying it’s not real sex, which says she may not really be mature about sex.