Feb 2, 2016 3 min read

OK, I admit it: I am obsessed with Barbie. Since I began writing columns in 1989, Barbie has been the subject of no fewer than four of them.

Make that five.

Bowing to complaints that Barbie’s vital statistics – 5 feet, 9 inches tall and 36-18-34 – don’t reflect those of real women and set impossible standards for little girls, Mattel last week paraded down the catwalk a new line of Barbies that will debut March 1 in stores. By year’s end, 33 new dolls will be available with varying hair color and texture, joining 23 models that debuted last year, some of which have flat feet so that Barbie can wear sensible shoes. This year’s models also will have varying skin tones and – in addition to original proportions – will be offered in “tall,” “curvy” and “petite” sizes.

Of course, these terms are relative: At what height does “tall” begin? How short is “petite”? I will allow “curvy” to be described by a female friend who listed herself as such on Match.com. “I don’t know about curvy,” a potential date said. “Does that mean you’re fat?” It means, she told him, “I have a butt.” They didn’t go out.

While I applaud Mattel for actually listening to customers, I must again express my disappointment that the company has not seen fit to make corresponding changes in Barbie’s long-suffering male companion, Ken, who joined the Barbie family in 1961. While many 55-year-old American men have, um, lost body tone, Ken remains appallingly svelte. Therefore, I will continue to lobby, as I did in a 2014 column, for the addition of “Beer Gut Ken.”

New for 2016, Demagogue Ken: Unique electronic chip enables this doll to determine what its owner would like to hear, then say it. Repeatedly. Cheap baseball cap included. Build-Your-Own-Border wall kit sold separately (made in Mexico).

And, as usual, I must point out a few of the more obvious Barbies that Mattel seems to have overlooked in this year’s additions.

• Mafia Wives Barbie: Super busty, ultra-curvy doll includes sequined Spandex “little black dress” and a tiny valve in each lip through which the doll’s owner can inject Botox. Hypodermic needle and prescription pad from celebrity doctor sold separately. Make sure to collect her eight “friends” as well! Sharpened catfight fingernails available in 2017.

• Don’t Sweat Much Barbie: Goes beyond curvy to softig. When doll is seated, accessory folding chair disappears. Match.com profile with 20-year-old picture included. Phone that never rings sold separately. Rubenesque Barbie available for potential art history majors.

• I’m Still Politically Relevant Barbie: With her skin weathered by too many consecutive Northern winters, this trendy Barbie manages to keep popping up even after being buried at the bottom of the ballot box. Pull her string and hear her catchy slogan: “Right-winging, bitter-clinging, proud clingers of our guns, our God and our religion and our Constitution.” Illegitimate grandchild, stressed son and smug political endorsee dolls sold separately.

• Look! I’m on Maury Povich! Barbie: Available in many skin tones and body types, but with stringy, unwashed hair only. DNA reports from 37 possible fathers of her baby (sold separately) included. Autographed 8-by-10 of Povich (included) shows embarrassed wife Connie Chung attempting to hide her face.

To my feminist readers: Please note that these additions include suggestions made by a female friend, whose cellphone number I will happily provide if you send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to: Sexist Piglet, P.O. Box 1950s, Anytown, U.S.A.