Nov 18, 2016 3 min read

It is inevitable. Like engine number five chugging down the track, Thanksgiving is coming. I have never been a big fan. I don’t eat turkey. I don’t like pumpkin pie. I don’t eat moist breadcrumbs and celery that is housed inside a dead bird. Don’t even get me started on giblets. Ick!

I don’t even like football. I’m continually surprised to be allowed to live in Southwestern Pennsylvania after mentioning that (let’s just keep that between us).

However, I decided that instead of being a Negative Nancy, I’d be a Positive Peter. I am going to be grateful, and actually give thanks, instead of knocking down a beloved fall holiday.

Since I believe that someday I’m going to be able to give an Oscar speech at the Academy Awards, I’m going to forgo thanking the friends and relatives this time around. I will thank my friends, family and agent in that speech. Besides, they know who they are. If I listed all of them, I’d get the hook half way through this column. I have also decided to make this gratitude list Thanksgiving-appropriate.

I’d like to thank those hard-working people who hold down the oversized Pillsbury Doughboy balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Actually, I’m grateful for all of the balloon holder-downers, whether it’s Pikachu, Thomas the Train Engine, Paddington, Charlie Brown or Garfield.

P.S. I read the Garfield comic every day, and I have never once laughed at that cat. Why is he so popular?! He hates Mondays. Big freaking deal! Everyone I know hates Mondays.

But I digress, like I do. I also want to thank all those tireless Broadway actors, singers and dancers who show up at the parade and deliver previews to plays most Americans won’t see. For one brief and shining moment, they bring “Camelot” to you. A veritable smorgasbord of plays shows up in your living room. Yes, I am curious about the “Curious Incident of the dog in the Nighttime.” If I go to New York City this year, I can thank the parade for getting me to the theater.

I’d like to thank probiotic bacteria, those little micro-organisms that support good health. I know I’m going to need those little guys to be in top form as I overeat at America’s most gluttonous holiday. I’ve been training by eating a lot of yogurt and raw vegetables to prepare me for the big day.

I’d like to thank Netflix. After a ginormous meal, I’m going to want to watch something other than football. I will probably watch one of those superhero shows. One of those where they never put on a costume. The ones where the character’s real name is also their superhero name like Jessica Jones or Luke Cage. The titles of these shows are “Jessica Jones” and “Luke Cage.” Go figure.

I would like to thank all of you for reading this far down, except those of you who just skimmed. I am very grateful that ANYONE reads these wacky musings of mine. I hope you love reading it as much as I love writing it. I do it all for you! And the money. Have a great Thanksgiving!