Nov 30, 2016 4 min read

Q.I loved Christmas all my life. Last year my mom died on Christmas Eve, after a long illness. Cancer sucks. I’m really dreading this year’s holiday. What makes it worse is the way my dad is handling it. I live with him and my younger brother. My parents split when I was 6 and my brother was 4. We lived with her until she got sick. She remarried. My stepsister is only 8. She’s one of the favorite people in my life. She has her dad. He’s a good person. I’m sad about so many things. I’m sad because I hardly ever get to see my stepsister and I’m worried about how this Christmas will be for her. I’m sad because my dad won’t even talk about my mom. It’s like she didn’t ever exist. He shows no emotion. He says we need to get over it. After the funeral last year, when my brother was crying, my dad told him “boys don’t cry,” so now my brother won’t show how much he misses our mom. He gets mad at me when I tell him it’s OK to miss her and it’s OK to cry. Between all of this, I feel miserable. My mom loved Christmas too, and I know she’d want me to be happy. I just don’t think I can pull it off.

17-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Losing a mother is difficult; losing a mom on a beloved holiday adds to the pain. Grief is very personal; there are no timetables. We all grieve in our own way, and in our own time. Your feelings are OK. It’s OK to be sad, and it’s also OK to feel happiness. There are no right ways to do this. There’s nothing to pull off.

I’m impressed by your concern for others. Your dad’s reaction to your mom’s death is complicated, just as I’m sure their relationship was complicated. Reaching out to him may be challenging; connecting with your younger brother may be easier. Telling a young person “boys don’t cry” plays into a culture that denies men the ability to express their feelings. Anger is deemed acceptable. You’re not alone in your concern. I am honored to be an adjunct faculty member at Washington & Jefferson College; my educational psychology students read “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys.” We discuss the way emotion is denied to boys in American culture. “The Mask You Live In” is a new film exploring this theme (http://therepresentationproject.org/film/the-mask-you-live-in/). Your brother’s grief is OK, too. Articulate the obvious and validate his pain. Tell him you love him and miss your mom. His anger is not directed only at you.

I think communicating your desire to see your stepsister is important. Could you connect with her father? You share love for your mom with them; their Christmas will be bittersweet as well. Perhaps you and your brother could spend some time with your stepsister and her father this holiday.

Do you have extended family who can support you at Christmas? Grandparents, aunts/uncles or cousins who knew and loved your mom could spend time with you and ease your feelings of loneliness. Remembering wonderful Christmas memories with your mother can hurt but also remind you of her life and the joy you shared with her. Find a space where you can feel at peace. You may not want to be alone; conversely, you may prefer privacy. Create a tradition honoring your mom’s memory. Be kind to yourself. Our Common Ground Teen Center party is from 5 to 7 p.m. Thursday, Dec. 15. Text me again for directions – you will be welcomed and supported

Connecting your mom’s death to Christmas is a harsh reality. As time passes, you may be able to reflect her Christmas joy. Give yourself time to miss her. I wish you peace this Christmas and send you support.