Feb 13, 2017 6 min read

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There are a lot of perks to being a therapist. The most obvious: I sit on my butt for a living. Rain, sleet, or snow, I get to be snug and tidy in my office. There’s also this benefit: Did you ever wonder, “Is that just me, or do other people think that?” I know the answer: You are not alone. I get to hear the new and interesting ways that people mess up their lives, their emotional health, or their relationships, so believe me-whatever it is that you are doing or thinking, someone is already sitting in my office talking about it. C’mon in! The water’s warm.

There’s another benefit that they never mentioned in grad school: I get to hear everything that guys are doing wrong in their relationships. It benefits me because I have a veritable “Not To Do” list for my own relationship. So, this year, my Valentine’s gift to our male readers (and the female readers who will undoubtedly pass this along to their fellas): here are Five Things Guys Do Wrong in Relationships as told to me from women in counseling.

1. “He doesn’t appreciate me.” When you first started dating, you said, “Thank you so much, honey! You’re the best” for every little thing that she did for you. Now, she can’t even get a “Thanks for cooking,” after she’s worked all day, picked up the kids from practice, started them on their homework, and still found time to get something on the table for dinner. Somewhere along the way, guys stop feeling grateful and can start feeling entitled. While it might be a cliché, a little gratitude goes a long way. “I want you to know how much I appreciate you,” when said with sincerity, can have an almost magical effect. I’ve seen women cry with joy after being told that for the first time in years-or ever. Extra tip: bland, “catch-all” thank-yous such as “Thanks for being a great mother to the kids,” while nice, can sound rather generic after a while. Thank her every day for something specific that she did or said.

2. “He tells me how to solve my problems instead of just listening to me.” This can be a tough one for guys, who are, generally speaking, more action-oriented. Believe it or not, gentlemen: when she’s complaining about her coworkers, or the person at Walmart, or the thing her mother said, she’s not looking for your advice on how to tell them off. Resist the urge to tell her what you would do! Instead, try making statements that reflect that you’ve heard what she said and that you can sense the feelings that must accompany the situation. “That must be frustrating,” “Wow! She was really rude, wasn’t she?” “You must have been upset.” What she absolutely doesn’t want is for you to say, “I don’t want to hear it! I told you to tell her to mind her own business-and you didn’t-so quit complaining about her to me.”

3. “He pouts when I tell him no about ____.” Okay, let’s be honest: that blank is usually filled by the word “sex.” Yeah, that’ll make her want to bed you-throw a fit or give her the silent treatment! Real attractive. Men typically want sex more than their wives do (although I have certainly seen the opposite many times over the years), but women are more likely to want to be sexual when they feel a healthy emotional connection to their partner. I have yet to meet the woman who enjoys having sex just to “keep him from whining.” Guys can pout about more than just sex, though. When he can’t go hang out with his friends because he has to be a father, when he can’t purchase the expensive item he wants because it’s not in the budget, even when he can’t play video games by himself (grown men still play video games?), I’ve heard no end to women complaining about unattractive behavior by their husbands when guys can’t get what they want.

4. “He points out what I do wrong when I’m trying to tell him what he’s doing wrong.” Yes, she makes mistakes, too. And yes, she can be thoughtless or mean at times, too, we know. However, when she is telling you about something that she’d like to see you change, that is not the time to point out her faults. The ability to overcome one’s natural tendency to be defensive is a skill that can only be learned through practice and time. Pointing out the mud on her shoes doesn’t make yours any cleaner. Lean in to what she is saying-don’t lean out of the conversation. Learn to use phrases such as, “I guess I didn’t see it that way,” or “You’ve given me something to think about,” or even, “I need to work on that, I know.” Notice: none of those statements are you agreeing-instead, you are showing that you heard what she had to say and aren’t just trying to turn things back on her.

5. “He makes little put-downs and then tells me I’m wrong to feel hurt.” He says that he is joking about her housekeeping, or her weight, or her cooking; she feels a little stab of pain. Maybe he thought he was being funny-perhaps he wasn’t even cognizant of the hurt he caused-but he did say something hurtful, nonetheless. Telling her to “lighten up” or to quit being so sensitive isn’t likely to result in her saying, “You know what? You’re right! I’ll just grow a thinker skin.” If you have a complaint about something-and it is certainly okay to complain to one another in your relationship-learn to do it in a way that is sensitive and respectful while still getting your point across.

There are plenty of other things that guys can do to contribute to the demise of a relationship. Sadly, most men-even the best of them-can be self-involved or even petty at times. They can stop doing the little things over time that had helped endear them to you in the first place. The good news? I’ve met very few men that weren’t interested in improving their relationships or doing better by their wives or children. Most guys are open to some feedback, so even if they started working on these five things, chances are you’ll see great improvement in your relationship.