Feb 1, 2018 5 min read

Q.Mary Jo, I would love to hear your thoughts on the #MeToo movement, since you are on the front lines daily helping kids navigate these issues. I’m a parent. I want to be on top of these issues for my daughter’s sake.

– Concerned Parent

Mary Jo’s response: Thank you for your confidence. You’re wise. Children hear and observe; trusted adults and parents need to guide them through life’s teachable moments.

I doubt you’ll be surprised by my focus. It’s about education. Consent must be taught. Respect for others needs to be taught and modeled. Healthy relationships require both consent and respect. Sexual harassment, sexual assault and abuse, poor communication surrounding sexuality, and power imbalances between partners, are all teachable moments.

Here are my thoughts:

1. Sexuality education is poorly handled in our nation. I’ve taught since 1981; this is the 30th year of the Teen Outreach I founded in 1988. Too often, we simply deny the need for quality conversations about sex. We also communicate poorly about death, gender, birth, race and other challenging topics, which is why I cover these areas in The Nonnie Series. I’m writing “Nonnie Talks about Relationships” now. I hope to complete “Nonnie Talks about Mental Health” and “Nonnie Talks abut Disability” in 2018. Quality sexuality education guides young people to value healthy relationships and empowers them to honor their own bodies. Setting limits and communicating those limits is key.

In 2000, I attended a European Study Tour with Advocates for Youth. I saw the inclusive, factual way sexuality was addressed in the Netherlands, met with students in Germany from both university and trade-focused secondary schools, and had an audience with French leaders from their Department of Health. While meeting with French health administrators, we asked if the French required parental permission forms for their sex ed classes. “Non, non.” Our host appeared confused. When pressed, he added, “This is a condition of health. We do not require permission forms to teach proper hand washing. Why would we need them to teach children about their bodies?” He went on to explain their use of American research to support their curriculum – research we do not use ourselves.

2. Female sexuality is seldom addressed well. I train teachers throughout the nation to present my child abuse prevention program. In our community, to get the program into schools, I had to reprint the book without labeling the clitoris. The penis could stay. The program does not address sex. It teaches correct body part names to give children power over their own bodies. Studies show knowing the correct names for genitals helps children disclose abuse. Censoring a body part’s name confuses me.

Too many young women think sexual contact is owed – “He was so nice,” “He wanted it so bad,” and don’t even consider sexual pleasure as something mutual. Years ago, I asked a group of ninth-grade girls why young people they knew gave oral sex. Their responses: “It makes guys happy.” “It makes them stop nagging.” What are we teaching our children?

3. Too often, sexuality education is exclusive. If we teach, we teach to ALL young people, regardless of ability (I created a sexuality education program with Arc Human Services), belief system (I personally believe in parental permission), class (Unplanned teen pregnancy is linked to poverty – both internal and external), race (If we do not involve people of color as educators and peer educators, we do not provide role models to young people of color), and sexual identity (Studies show LGB teens are two to seven times more likely to experience early childbearing as teens. Too often LGBTQAI youth are invisible in a sex ed classroom).

No young person is invisible to me. All people need to learn how to navigate relationships. Young people are watching pornography on their phones; they need a trained adult to help them sort out what they see and hear in the world. Quality sexuality education teaches young people how to be respectful humans.

Finally, I return to consent. Mutual consent and the communication needed to reach it are typically not taught to children. I teach it to everyone. Little ones need to learn this basic concept, and it can be taught without even mentioning sex. No means no … don’t ask again. Yes means yes … communicate well. We need to transform our culture surrounding mutual consent. The concept is basic. Sex is for mature individuals who communicate, respect and value one another. Consent is the first thing on the table. Adults need to model respect in relationships, in sexual encounters, and in our culture. Example is the best way to teach. Emerson said, “What you do speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say.” We can do better, for all our young people.

#EachPersonIsAPersonofWorth. Thanks for asking me.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.