Nov 5, 2018 3 min read

Call off Nancy Drew. The Kansas City police recovered the large, inflatable colon that was recently stolen. Yes, according to The New York Times, a giant inflatable colon was pilfered, but, luckily, the police recovered it. It was national news!

I am surprised anyone wanted a large, inflatable colon at all, including the Colon Cancer Coalition, which bought the thing in the first place.

Imagine their surprise when someone ran off with the big, billowy thing. They must have been spastic!

The giant colon was 10 feet wide by 10 feet tall and weighed 150 pounds. The thief couldn’t have gotten far. It was too big to fit in the trunk of a car. That thing had to be hauled away in a pickup truck, or carried out on foot.

The colon looked like a big pink tunnel with polyps the size of trash can lids (picture those round bumps on the tops of Legos). It was a disease-ridden giant colon, and it could not have been easy to move. It was also easy to identify. I’m sure any eyewitnesses had interesting tales to tell.

I don’t know what I would have told the police except, “It was the ugliest bouncy castle I’ve ever seen.”

What do you do with a giant blow-up body part? It turns out the Colon Cancer Coalition used it as an education tool at community events. It was supposed to be at a breast cancer 5K.

This colon was booking gigs!

I’m hesitant to learn how many appearances the colon has made since it was purchased in 2017. I would hate to find out that a giant nylon organ got more work than I did.

While the original was missing, the Colon Cancer Coalition was desperate for another one. They held a fundraiser to buy a spare. I am curious about where a person goes to buy an oversized organ. Is there a surplus of giant inflatable body parts somewhere?

I picture a salesman walking a warehouse floor with the prospective buyers, slapping the top of an inflatable spleen and saying, “This baby is oblong, purple and great for recycling red blood cells.”

The customer would turn, point and say, “I’ll take that giant human heart over there. The one next to the Chinese dragon water slide.”

Are they ever on sale? Is there a colon blowout?

The Colon Cancer Coalition raised money to buy two giant inflatable colons. I guess they never expected to recover the original big body part. I assume they have three now. Three giant inflatable colons sounds like they’re overdoing it a bit.

I wonder what the burglar wanted with it. He and five friends could turn it upside down and slide down a snowy hillside on it, or they could float down a lazy river. It just would look rather unpleasant, and you’d have to hold onto the cancerous polyps to steer the thing. That’s just awful.

What do you do with a large inflatable colon? Pass through it, I guess.