Jan 3, 2019 5 min read

Q: What do you do if you’re disappointing your whole family and they don’t even know it? I’m the first person in my family to go to college. I got into my first-choice school and my first-semester grades were great – a 3.6. I came home to such pride and happiness from my family. My mom keeps talking about my grades, my grandma tells everyone how great I’m doing, my stepdad keeps saying how much he can’t wait to see me get my degree. I can’t hurt them. They all worked so hard to help me get to where I now am. It’s not that I dislike the classes. They’re OK. It’s the social aspect of college that I hate. I envisioned my roommate as a friend, or at least someone I could navigate the newness of college life with. Instead, it’s like an episode of “Mean Girls” that I can’t turn off, without the funny parts. My roommate and her friends never include me. I can handle that. It’s the way they stare at me and talk about me and mock me that hurts. It’s like seventh grade all over again, and I hated seventh grade! I try to stay away from my room and do a lot of studying in the library. I need to go back in a week. Where will I find the courage to leave my home – which suddenly is like a sanctuary? I can’t bear the thought of hurting my family. Any ideas? I’m open to trying anything.

– 18-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: I’ve re-read your words several times. It seems as if your challenge is with your roommate, not with college. You’ve worked hard and achieved much in your first semester. Congrats on your GPA!

Your love for your family is obvious, as is your dedication to your studies and to growing as a person. Dealing with social challenges is part of life; this, too, is part of your education.

If your family supports you as deeply as you describe, my first suggestion would be honesty. You’re not disappointing them by sharing a difficult social situation. It’s not as if you’re walking away from higher education or turning your back on their dreams for you. Tell the truth, then brainstorm ways together to relieve your roommate problem.

Here are some thoughts:

• Have you tried talking openly with your roommate? “Mean Girls” is only a movie, but the reality of ostracizing and treating a roommate poorly can affect your college experience. I assign Rachel Simmons’ book “Odd Girl Out” to my Ed Psych class; it discusses relational aggression. I agree, you don’t want to redo seventh grade socially – few people do. Trying to communicate directly with your roommate might clear the air.
• Life is complicated. One never knows when a friendship may develop. Communication is a good first step, but if you feel you’ve exhausted all possibilities for connection, it may be time to move on.
• Speak to your college adviser and seek help to secure a new roommate. A semester is a long time to seek change. One of the first questions your adviser will probably ask will deal with your attempts at fixing the situation; you should be able to detail your communication history.
• Make friends on your own. Does your dorm include a common area? Perhaps spend some study time there instead of the library. Step out of your comfort zone and connect with others. Connect with other students in your classes. Invite them to a meal with you. Join clubs and participate in service projects. Your college experience is yours to claim. Make it count.

Please remember to speak with your family first. I think their support will be unchanged. They may even be able to help you find new lodging. Be at peace about disappointing them. Your first semester proved your ability to learn and grow in a new environment; it also demonstrated your resiliency as you dealt with an unpleasant social situation. You’re a survivor. This experience will teach you how to deal with difficult people. This is an important life skill.

One last thought – your dreams are yours, not your family’s. If you genuinely are happy pursuing a college degree, then your dreams and your family’s dreams for you connect. Your concern about disappointing them is powerful. I ponder if your stress is more than your roommate situation. An honest discussion about your life goals is important. Your life is yours to live. You can talk about your life honestly without disappointing your family.

Good luck. May this next semester be even better.

I sought some alumni wisdom to ease your stress.

Peer Educator alumni response: Be honest with your family. Be honest with your roommate. Be honest with your college. Be honest with yourself. This situation isn’t rare. You’re stronger than you think. Be proactive about the problem and seek solutions. Your first college responsibility is personal growth and learning. Social life is important, though. You are resilient enough to deal with this.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.