Sep 24, 2020 6 min read

I think I’m the only kid who feels like I do.

Like, I don’t fit in, no matter what I do. I feel like things changed when I left elementary school. I had friends to hang out with then.

Now, it’s just me.

Going hybrid doesn’t help. I can’t really make friends virtually and I don’t know most of the people in my block. The ones I know don’t like me. Maybe this is just the way I’m gonna be. My dad and mom split when I was 4. When I visit my dad, it doesn’t seem like he has any friends. He works and comes home, eats fast food, watches TV and falls asleep on the couch. Maybe this is the way my life will be too. Do you think so?

13-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: You ask a very powerful question. My answer is equally positive. Your life is yours. You will choose your path. You will craft the life you want to live. You’re not your dad, or anyone else. You’re you. You are worthy.

I know for certain you’re not the only person who feels left out. At 13, I truly believe there are more young people who feel they don’t fit in than those who feel connected to others. One of the 13-year-olds I once counseled told me, “13 just sucks.” It often does.

Growing up isn’t easy.

Many, many young people felt differently about their friendships after elementary school. Relationships get complicated. Friends can change. People you were friends with since kindergarten ignore you or stop asking you to hang out. It’s easy to blame yourself. It’s easy to think, “I’m not good enough.” You are. Middle school isn’t your fault.

I agree, virtual connection can be tougher than face to face. I have evidence friendships can be made in safe online programs, though. Our Teen Center ran virtual summer camps from June through August. The “campers” were 12- to 14-years-old.

They really connected.

We created a safe space, we set guidelines for respectful communication, we gave each person a chance to talk – or to be silent. Everyone was accepted. Lots of young people made connections. Many remained with us. We host clubs now. An example is Book Club, which meets virtually and in person at 4 p.m. every Wednesday. All you need do is bring a book you love to discuss. It’s fun and everyone is accepted.

I think virtual school may be tougher than our camps and clubs. School is about learning and there isn’t much time to socialize. This is a challenging school year. Connections might be more challenging, too.

I have three ideas for you:

1. A real, face-to-face connection: I run the Common Ground Teen Center. If you’re local, you’re old enough to hang out. The Center is a safe place where people are accepted and respected. I opened it in 2008, and many young people found not only friends there, they felt as if they belonged, sometimes for the first time. Right now, because of funding, we’re only open three days a week – from 4 to 8 p.m. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays – but the center is dynamite. Drop over. We’re at 92 N. Main Street, Washington PA 15301. You will be welcomed.

2. A virtual connection: Remember those virtual summer camps I mentioned? Because some parents aren’t permitting face-to-face activities yet – although we wear masks and follow all CDC guidelines – and because some teens who attended the camps are not local, we are hosting all Teen Center meetings both virtually and in person. Games Night is 5 to 8 p.m. Mondays, Peer Education, teens who learn how to teach with me, is to 8 p.m. Wednesdays, and Movie Night is 4 to 8 p.m. Fridays. Message me again and I will give you the link. This is also an option if you feel uneasy and don’t want to meet people in person right now.

3. Make friends: It may sound simple – and, I know it is not easy – but the best way to have a friend is to be a good friend to others. Listen to people who share interests with you. Watch for someone who looks alone. Pay attention and be kind. Be yourself. Be brave and make a move to talk with someone. Friends aren’t trophies to collect. It’s often better to have a few good friends than to have a lot of people to hang out with that you can’t count on or trust.

Give yourself a chance. Remember, you are worthy. You matter. Please stay in touch. I’m interested in you and I want to hear how things go.

Peer Educator Alumnus Response: I want you to know you’re not alone, not ever. I used to be the same way. I wasn’t always good at making friends in person. I didn’t feel like I fit into a crowd, either. Don’t get me wrong, it is nice to have friends, but it is always good to take time to focus on the person you want to be.

My parents were never together, so I can understand some of the feelings you may be experiencing. I still don’t know how my dad truly feels about me. Just remember because your dad is blood doesn’t mean you will end up the same way. You’re 13. You have a lot of growing up and life ahead. You have time to say you’re not going to follow your dad’s path. I was first in my family to go to a four-year college. My point is, don’t let negative stuff define you. Do not let people get you down. I love the video “Madea Talks about Relationships.” I’ve learned in some cruel ways that some people are not meant to be in our lives, and that’s OK.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.