Oct 1, 2020 3 min read

Q. My teacher doesn’t like me. No matter what I do, she doesn’t call on me. I put my hand up and get ignored. She never says anything nice about my work, even when I get a good grade on a test. I told my dad and he said I need to suck it up. I told my gram and she said she would march down to school and give that teacher a piece of her mind. I don’t like either of their responses. How can I handle this myself? I’d like to make it better on my own.

13-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I love your initiative.

Maturity means seeking a solution to a problem with independence. It doesn’t mean you can’t seek support, though, and writing to me was a good move.

Let’s talk about your relationship with your teacher. Relationships aren’t just romantic partners or friends. We are surrounded by relationships every day. Our teachers, coaches, faith leaders, relatives, friends, parents of friends and employers are just a few kinds of relationships we encounter daily. We also connect with familiar strangers – people with whom we have no close interaction, but we see often, like a clerk at a store or a person on hall duty at a school.

Your relationship with your teacher is an important one. Like all relationships, it can be healthy, meaning the connection helps each person grow, or unhealthy, meaning the connection is strained by a power struggle, jealousy, or obsession.

Teachers are human. A teacher might favor some students, although most teachers try hard to avoid singling any student out for either positive or negative feedback. I am going to ask you to examine how you contribute to this relationship. Do you come to school expecting to be treated badly? Are your feelings about your teacher self-fulfilling, which means you anticipate poor connection and respond negatively?

What do you think might help you connect in a more positive way with your teacher? Have you tried asking for time to talk? It will take courage to share what you told me, but I think it would be a good first step. Ask your teacher how to be a better part of her class. Tell her you’d like to participate more. Tell her how much you’d like to be called upon. It’s possible your teacher doesn’t know how you feel. Share. Do your best work. Be polite, respectful and courteous.

It is also possible your teacher does not see you in a good light. If you suspect she is judging you without reason, adult support will help. I agree with you. Your gram sounds like a feisty person who wants to defend you. Sending her to school could be challenging. Are there adults at school with whom you feel safe? Can you trust another teacher? Do you connect well with the school counselor or school nurse? Is there a teacher from last year who could provide guidance? Do you have a coach who could listen?

Life will offer challenges as you grow. The ability to solve problems will help you mature. Make a plan to connect with your teacher. Let’s talk in a week. I’ll be interested in hearing how your plan worked. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.