Nov 4, 2021 5 min read

Q. I’m a single parent, a dad. I have a son who is 15 and a daughter who is only 5. I’m writing to you because I overreacted. My brother found pornography on his son’s computer and I know our boys spend time together. I panicked. I confronted my son and he denied any interest in porn. I got angry and accused my son of lying, then my brother told me his boy admitted my son wasn’t involved at all. My boy was telling the truth. I went about this all wrong. I basically accused my son of lying and refused to believe him. My son is a messy, kind, sometimes goofy kid with good grades who puts off homework and eats like some kind of vacuum cleaner. I love him. My dad never said those words to me. I was never close with my father. I want it to be different with my son. What do I do now? Can I salvage this? He’s not talking much.

Worried dad

Mary Jo’s Response: Of course you can salvage your relationship with your son. You’ve invested 15 years on this young person. This is not the time to give up.

I honor your desire to be close with your son. The first step to your connection is honesty, the second is listening. Tell him what you told me. Admit your fear for him. Explain how it morphed into anger. Articulate what is obvious to you, but may not be to him – that your love for him is huge – so huge your emotions took over and clouded your rational thought. Admit you were wrong. Say “I love you” and tell him you didn’t hear those words growing up. Share what it means to say them to him. Really hear his reactions to your words. Reflect and respect his thoughts.

Now, let’s talk reality and the future.

Are many teens exposed to porn? Yes, for one simple reason … it’s available. Sexuality is part of our humanity. Adolescence is a time of new feelings and hormonal changes. Perhaps you remember? Sexual curiosity is typical. Curiosity doesn’t mean your son will have unhealthy relationships. It means he’s 15.

Here are some hints for parenting a teen in the real world:

• Educate: Teach your son about sexuality. Tell him sexual curiosity and exploration are part of growth and development. Make it easier for him to share with you by acknowledging his sexuality. Tell him he can talk with you without fear of you judging him. Share if you feel uncomfortable. Be genuine.
• Invest your time: Be involved in your son’s life. Know what’s happening at school and after school. Show an interest in whatev
• er he likes, whether he loves sports or video games or graphic arts or cooking or streaming movies or writing stories about whole new universes. Teens at our Teen Center enjoy all those activities. Just like adults, teens are unique.
• Respect your son: Expect your teen to have self-respect. Affirm your son’s worth. Your voice and the music behind your words matter. He will hear your sincere tone and respond to it.
• Be a positive role model: Young people listen to our actions as much as our words. Make sexually healthy choices and model healthy relationships.
• Hold space: Teens don’t always want to talk. Spend time in comfortable silence when he’s upset or tense. Offer the gift of your presence.
• Prepare for reality: Talk about why you are uneasy about porn use. Share how pornography isn’t good sex education and doesn’t show healthy relationships. People in porn don’t talk about the future. They are actors. They don’t use contraception. Most importantly, they may not even get consent. Consent is key to any relationship.
• Be empathic: Porn is quick sexual stimulation. The Playboy magazines of your generation are nothing compared to online porn. If he views porn, and he may at some point, he needs you to help him process it. He remains worthy. Condemnation will only make him shut down and hide from you.
• Stand with him: Honor his ability to make choices and be there if he makes poor ones. Guide him without putting him down. Have faith in him.

You mentioned a young daughter. All the things above apply to her when she’s older. All types of teens are tempted by porn and have easy access. Be the kind of parent your daughter can speak to as she matures – no different from your son.

No parent is perfect. You’ve got this … learn with your kids. They’re lucky to have a dad who cares enough to change his own parenting script. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.