Dec 16, 2021 4 min read

Q. I’ve been divorced for more than a year and recently met someone I feel comfortable dating. I haven’t brought him home yet. I have two sons – one 12 and one 10.

I’m a little ashamed to say I’ve never really spoken about the divorce with them. Of course, my ex and I talked with them about what sharing custody meant. We are amicable and bring the boys to one another’s houses without hesitation. My ex remarried right after the divorce was final. His affair was the reason we split. I spoke with him before writing to you and he confirmed, no, he never explained the presence of his new wife to our sons. He thought maybe they were too young. He’s willing to try.

I don’t want to continue keeping things from my sons. I want them to know they can talk with me. How should I introduce my new love interest – I hesitate to call him a boyfriend? I want to, but I’m not sure how.

I can’t believe I’m turning to you. I’m sure you don’t remember but I was full of questions during high school when you taught me. I know you made me feel more confident. I’m proud of the way my ex and I parent. I want to do better. I thought about never dating, but I don’t think that’s fair. What do you think?

40 and still seeking answers

Mary Jo’s Response: I do remember you. I don’t recall your questions – I typically put those out of my mind – but I remember people. As soon as I saw your name, I smiled! Thanks for writing.

I can answer your most important question from my heart and my experience. Yes, you and your ex-husband should talk with your sons. Note I said “with,” not “to.” They need a chance to share their feelings with you, they need to feel they can talk with you about anything, and they need their questions answered.

One of the most challenging things about parenting is how tough it is to recognize our children’s growth. It’s easy to see them as “too young” for a long time. At 12 and 10, your boys are old enough to have questions about the divorce, their new stepmom and you dating.

Adults too often think children will not be curious if grownups avoid a topic. Adults sometimes think kids are clueless about what’s going on around them. The opposite is true. All children are curious. Kids know what’s happening.

Weigh the content of what you reveal based on their developmental level. Be aware of the importance of respecting both your ex and you in the discussion. Don’t lie to them, but be cautious about details.

As to you and your love interest, I agree, it is unfair for you to be alone if you want companionship. Your sons will mature and grow into men who understand healthy relationships if you model one for them. Teach them about consent – it’s not too early.

Your conversations may lead to questions about sexuality. Answer them. They are not too young to have an awareness of sexual health and an appreciation of their own sexuality. Have faith. They won’t be different people once they know a few things about sexuality. Puberty is on the horizon in any case. Be open and kind and respectful of yourself and them.

I applaud you and your ex’s efforts to parent well. Your sons are fortunate.

Peer Educator Alumni: My parents divorced when I was 11. I knew everything that was happening. I knew my dad had another woman in his life long before the divorce. No one talked with me. I just figured it out. It would have been so much better if someone had spoken honestly with me. The older I got, the more I avoided sharing anything important with my parents. I thought they would judge me. I’m in college and I’m still not open with them. It’s sad. Talk with your boys. It will be good for all of you.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.