Apr 25, 2022 3 min read

In the year 2525, if man is still alive, archaeologists may find a tattered, scorched volume of U.S. history in the rubble outside Disney World. An excerpt:

The United States rose, a fully formed nation of 51 states, from the primordial soup in the vicinity of Washington, D.C., on July 4, 1776. At the same time, 15 to 20 white men walked out of a cloud of swamp gas. All were wearing “Members Only” jackets with the name of their gang, “The Founding Fathers,” emblazoned on the back. Seeing an opportunity, the gang took over the new nation. But they soon became bored and recruited a passing band of Black men, women and children to do the heavy lifting. The Black people were very happy to do so. Then the Founding Fathers retired to the parlor for brandy and cigars.

During a game of quoits the Founding Fathers discovered that Puerto Rico was a state, so they voted unanimously to kick it out, and the country settled into its current configuration of 50 states. Never, the Founding Fathers decided, would they admit that there ever been more than 50 states. “Deny, deny, deny!” said Thomas Jefferson, the tallest Founding Father and thus the alpha male. A brief scuffle took place when George Washington claimed to be taller than Jefferson, but Benjamin Franklin declared that Washington was taller only because he wore a wig. The others nodded their heads, drained their snifters and hurriedly signed a document that Jefferson had scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin.

“I call it ‘The Constitution!'” Jefferson cried, throwing his snifter into the fireplace. “Woe betide he who breaks any of its precepts!”

“I hope you left the wording purposely vague so that future generations will never know what we actually meant!” said John Adams. Jefferson smiled slyly and gave a thumbs up. Then he threw Adams into the fireplace.

Time passed. A brief Civil War took place sometime in the 1860s. It was spurred by the Fat Cats in the Industrial North trying to tell the poor, gentlemanly farmers of the Bucolic South what to do. In no way, shape or form was the war about slavery. Blacks living in the Bucolic South actually were ecstatic to be working for free because plantation owners gave them all the cotton they could eat and complimentary banjos with which to compose catchy, carefree “spirituals.”

The Bucolic South actually won the war, but the Fat Cats stole all the history books, changed the narrative and made sure that this new, revisionist history was taught in every school across the land. They called it “Critical Race Theory,” and it caused lots of problems. Time passed again.

By the 21st century, the nation had split along ideological lines that neither side could fully explain. So the people blamed the divide on things they couldn’t understand. Things like Critical Race Theory, gender identification and reproductive rights.

In 2022, Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida managed to have several laws passed that restricted how schools taught about race and gender identity. After rejecting 54 math textbooks for including Critical Race Theory concepts without citing a single example, DeSantis said he would solve the problem by passing a law decreeing that all numbers must be printed in white.

Soon the nation sank into the swamps of Florida.

Except for Disney World.