May 31, 2022 3 min read

Last week, I was hanging out in a cabin in the woods. Let’s be clear. I was by no means roughing it. The house had all the modern amenities including a giant plasma TV screen, WiFi and a hot tub. It was one of those rental homes in the woods with a cutesy name on the door like the Duck Inn, the Purple Pinecone or the Ramshackle Beaver.

My friends had planned a wonderful weekend in the woods. We were going to hike the trails, play board games and drink copious amounts of alcohol.

Side note: I’m not a big drinker, but if I was going to play darts, billiards or Settlers of Catan, I didn’t want to be sober for it. I needed a good excuse when I sunk the eight ball on the break, and blaming Drunk Mike was just the ticket!

But I digress, like I do. I was stone sober when it happened. I was standing on the porch taking a phone call when I heard the people in the next cabin yelling, “Bear!” They were shouting in my general direction.

I paid no attention to them because there was a metal cutaway yard decoration, a silhouette of a bear, in the driveway. It was 4 feet wide and 4 feet tall, the size and shape of an actual bear. It was an unfortunate choice for a lawn ornament, but I didn’t put it there.

I continued to pace around on the deck whilst chatting on the phone, ignoring the neighbors. They, however, were insistent. Then, I assumed it was a joke on the ursine nature of my physique. I am squat, round and furry, and much like a bear, you will only see me outside when the weather is warm.

Then, I heard them shout, “It’s a mama and her cub!” Now, I knew they weren’t referring to me or the regrettable lawn ornament. I turned around and saw a mama bear and cub traipsing through the yard, 10 feet away from where I stood. As luck would have it, they were wandering away from me, not toward me, and that made it less of a “yikes” situation.

Once a few years ago, I was a beat reporter in Peters Township and a bear cub was spotted swimming in Lake Canonsburg (by the Little Lake Theatre). By the time I got there, I was told the bear had fled into the woods. I picked up my camera and went down the path into the woods to grab a photo of the wild animal. I had no idea what I was going to do if I found him. I felt like Lois Lane going off into danger, only I didn’t have a Superman to pull me out of it if things got tense.

This time, I stayed on the porch and hoped the forest creatures didn’t double back and decide I was the snack they were seeking.

If you have big plans this summer, proceed with caution!