Nov 9, 2023 4 min read

Q. Can you please talk about this in your column? Adults need to know how their choices affect kids. I started reading your column when I was 13 because my grandma asked me to and now, I read it because I want to. I don’t think you’ve ever written about my problem.

The holidays are coming up. I love holidays. I love the food, the fun, the loud voices, the chaos, my little cousins, and both sets of grandparents. I love it all. Except this year is different.

My parents divorced a few months ago. Now, everything feels wrong. My dad’s side of the family is big. All my aunts and uncles and cousins will be here for Thanksgiving. My mom only has my grandparents on her side. Every year, my grandparents on my mom’s side came to my dad’s parents’ house with us. There were so many people, which is why it was loud, but I loved everything about it. I loved the traditions – the things we do every single year.

My mom’s parents don’t want anything to do with my dad now and neither does my mom. We’ll have Thanksgiving just with my grandparents. Mom says if we don’t, they will be all alone. I won’t even see my dad’s family because the whole Thanksgiving weekend I’m with my mom. They’re fighting about what to do with me on Christmas.

I’m an only child but I never felt alone until this holiday. I pretend I’m okay but I’m not. I have nothing to look forward to this holiday season. When I turn 18, I’m going to leave and make my own family with my own holiday traditions.

– 16-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I am dedicating this column to you as requested.

I can hear the anger and frustration in your words. I hold space with you as you deal with these changes in your life. Holding space means I stand with you, I support you, and I hear what you’re saying. I learned to hold space both as a birth doula (a person who supports someone during labor) and as a hospice nurse (where I supported people at the end of their lives). I honor and respect your feelings.

You will make your own holiday traditions when you leave home. Even if your family hadn’t changed, your growth into adulthood will lead you to create groups of friends who become a new family. The family we choose can be deeply supportive and caring. I wish you joy as you mature. Choose your friends wisely.

For now, I suggest you communicate with the adults in your life. Your mom and dad need to know how isolated you feel. You need to share your anxiety about the holidays. Your grandparents need to know as well. Your parents divorced each other, they did not divorce you. If you love the hustle and bustle of your dad’s side of the family, ask your parents to find a compromise where you can spend some time with these relatives. You could share a meal with your mom and her parents, then spend time at your dad’s, either on Thanksgiving or the next day. Holidays are whenever people who care about one another gather, not a date on the calendar. Good luck. I hope you find joy this season.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.