Feb 12, 2024 4 min read

By the time you read this we will know the winner of Super Bowl LVIII. And we will also know that the French astrologer Nostradamus was correct when he predicted in 1555 that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce would be part of a vast left-wing conspiracy to reelect President Joe Biden. I am not making this up.

Here are the applicable quatrains from Nostradamus’ “The Prophecies”:

“In 2nd month of the 24th year of the 21st century, a tall blonde chanteuse

Will ascend the Stage of Grammie to accept her 4th prize

Then shall her gigantic suitor will don his red-hued armour and ride forth

To defeat the favored Prospectors on the grid of iron.”

There you have it: Chiefs over 49ers. Moreover, the fulfillment of this prophecy paves the way for another that predicts what is to follow later this year, laid out brilliantly in the following verses:

“From the swift masses a great hue and cry will sound

Speaking instantly with millions of voices

To proclaim the ancient head of state

Superior to the cacophonous candidate.”

There it is, in black and white. You don’t even need CliffsNotes to decipher it because, luckily, I still have mine from college. Now, pay attention! Here’s what it all means.

Quatrain One: On Feb. 4, 2024, tall (5’11”), blonde singer Taylor Swift took the stage at the Grammys to accept her fourth Album of the Year award. Following this, her “gigantic suitor” – 6 foot 5 tight end Travis Kelce – put on his “red-hued armour” (the KC Chiefs red & white uniform) to help defeat the favored (by 2 ½ points) San Francisco 49ers (“Prospectors”).

Quatrain Two: Later this year Swift’s roughly 280 million Instagram (“speaking instantly”) followers will begin their prearranged campaign to rally support for incumbent President Joe Biden (at 81 an “ancient head of state”) to defeat the challenger Donald Trump (“cacophonous” by any measure). Really! How much more obvious could it be?

Political conservatives knew it all along. Jesse Watters of Fox News declared Swift to be an agent of the Pentagon, enlisted as “an asset for combating misinformation online.” And in January, failed Republican presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy posted on X (formerly Twitter): “I wonder who’s going to win the Super Bowl next month? And I wonder if there’s a major presidential endorsement coming from an artificially culturally propped-up couple this fall.”

I can’t find an overt reference to either Watters or Ramaswamy in Nostradamus, but I’m willing to bet there’s one hidden among the 942 quatrains making up “The Prophecies.” Plus, CliffsNotes turned me on to this little-known Nostradamus prediction of things to come in 2025:

“On the 9th day of the 2nd month of the 25th year of the 21st century

The Slinger Deemed Unworthy will leap forth from his seat

And time shall come to a standstill when he hurls an orb in the name of The Virgin

Beyond the zone of redness into the arms of The Slacker to slay the dreaded Jungle Beast.”

Translation: Mason Rudolph (“The Slinger Deemed Unworthy”) will come off the bench (“leap forth from his seat”) to replace Kenny Pickett with six seconds remaining the fourth quarter of Super Bowl LIX after Pickett becomes confused during a timeout and lines up with the NFC champion Detroit Lions (“Dreaded Jungle Beast”). As time expires (“come to a standstill”), Rudolph throws a successful Hail Mary (“The Virgin”) pass to wide receiver George Pickens (“The Slacker”), who is sulking in a corner of the end zone because he was targeted only 22 times during the game. Final score: Steelers 6, Lions 5.

Don’t thank me. Thank Nostradamus. And, maybe, Mike Tomlin.

But definitely thank Cliff.