Jan 9, 2015 3 min read

I took a brief walk through the mall the other day. It was out of necessity. I am now the proud owner of a used car. It looks new and, as far as I’m concerned, it’s new because it’s new to me. However, the battery needed replacing. Apparently, replacing a battery on a PT Cruiser is an elaborate ordeal. You can’t just plunk it in like the last, satisfying piece of a jigsaw puzzle. You have to move some stuff around, like a piece from a half-completed puzzle.

I handed over my jewel-encrusted key fob. Yes, I explained to the mechanic that it belonged to the previous owner.

The mechanic was going to text me when the job was done. I wandered around the mall. I’m not a mall person. I’m not under 21 or over 65 (the largest demographics I found there). And I’m a dude. Outside of the sporting goods stores, you don’t see that many. I can’t say the name of the sporting goods store without laughing like Beavis and Butthead. They couldn’t go with Richard’s, Rich’s or Ricky’s? I boogied out of the hunting department as quickly as I could. I was the only guy without boots, flannel or camouflage in there. I’m glad I didn’t have the rhinestone peacock in my pocket.

While traipsing through the mall, I came upon a store that sells oil and vinegar, called, ironically, Oil & Vinegar. I couldn’t believe they devoted an entire store to salad dressing and they didn’t even have any Ranch. They sold olive oil from the tap. They had Chardonnay Garlic Grape Seed Oil, Morgenster South African Extra Virgin Olive Oil and Walnut Oil. For a moderate price, you could join the oil of the month club. I’m dead serious.

The vinegar was even more exotic than the oil. They had Marc de Champagne Vinegar, Fig Balsamic, Elderflower Apple Lime Vinegar and more. If you can name a fruit, vegetable or flower, they probably have a bottle of it somewhere. Now, I ask you, who puts Hibiscus in their salad? I don’t see that going with carrots and radishes.

They also sold salts and spices. By the way, when did pink Himalayan salt become a thing? It’s totally a thing. I don’t even have white salt at home any more. It’s all pink. My salt is pink and my pepper is white. It’s like Bizarro World at my house.

The saleswoman at the Oil & Vinegar store must have known I had fancy salt at home; she knew a sucker when she saw one. She tried to talk me into buying a Mystery Bag. It was a sealed bag that contained $100 worth of store products for only $50. The problem was you weren’t allowed to peek. You had to buy the bag without knowing the contents. I was one bunny suit away from feeling like a contestant on “Let’s Make a Deal.”

I was, however, saved by the bell, literally and figuratively. I received a text telling me the car was ready to be picked up. I left the mall and never looked back, for fear that I would turn into a pillar of pink Himalayan salt.