Apr 12, 2013 4 min read

They say there are two inevitabilities in life: death and taxes. As the tax deadline approaches, many of us are hoping to be struck by lightning by April 15. Death seems a little easier than figuring out those forms.

Those of us with limited math abilities are frightened by the prospect of doing it ourselves. That scared me, but for years, I was more frightened of having a friend do my taxes because I didn’t want him to see the tiny amount of money I made. So, I was thrust into finding a stranger I could trust. That’s not an easy task.

A few years ago, I did my own taxes and the IRS sent me a letter. It was a lot like getting a homework assignment handed back with a lot of red marks on it. They told me I did the math wrong. Oddly enough, this worked in my favor. I got more money than I was anticipating. I think I forgot to carry a one.

Here’s the scariest part. The following year, I was hired by the Internal Revenue Service. I worked at their Pittsburgh headquarters down on Liberty Avenue. Luckily, I wasn’t the guy offering financial advice. That would have gone way wrong. If you think the economy is bad now, imagine someone like me giving out financial advice. It would be the end of the world as we know it.

At the IRS, I only answered the phone through their busy season, January through April. The IRS hired me for one reason; they were looking for friendly people to answer the phone. They didn’t want people to think of them as the big, scary IRS. They are still the big, scary IRS, unless I’m getting money back. Then, they’re my friends down at the IRS.

My title was “contact representative.” Those are fancy words for switchboard operator. I had two distinct duties down there. One was to connect people to the right department. The other duty I had to do was get people their AIG number, or their adjusted gross income number. Once again, it was lucky that I didn’t have to calculate the number.

The only thing I had to do was verify the identity of the person calling in. That was a lot harder than it sounds. A lot of people call the IRS pretending to be other people. Sometimes, it is fairly innocent. I spoke to a grandmother who was doing her grandson’s taxes. Sometimes, it was far more nefarious. I spoke with people who were trying to find out how much money their ex-husband/ex-wife made that year. Other times, I spoke with identity thieves trying to cash in on someone else’s refund. The problem is, over the phone it’s hard to determine the grannies from the scam artists.

We had to ask them a series of questions. I talked to several women who couldn’t properly remember their children’s birthdates. I thought, “That’s odd. I think I would remember the day someone came out of my body.” It turns out some of them were scammers. Some of them also were just plain forgetful and mixed up their daughter’s birth month with the day of their son’s.

I was equally surprised by the people who could rattle off their spouse’s Social Security number. I can’t rattle off my own Social without having to write it down first. Sadly, I still haven’t memorized my new bank account number, and the account has been open for three years. I still call it my “new bank account number.”

On April 15, 2011, my assignment ended with the IRS. Making people laugh is a lot better than listening to them cry. I hope the Internal Revenue Service treats you well this year.

Note: I will be at Citizens Library, 55 S. College St., Washington, at 7 p.m. Friday in the multipurpose room for an event entitled “Annual Meeting with Michael Buzzelli.” (Am I supposed to show up next year, too?) Come out and see me. Just don’t bring me your 1040s.