May 14, 2013 3 min read

My fellow Americans:

The last time I addressed you, I exposed the Creeping Liberal Socialist (CLS) agenda to strip true Patriots like you and me of our Constitutional, God-given right to use incandescent lightbulbs (ICLs) rather than Compact Fluorescent Lightbulbs (CFLs). If ICLs were good enough to illuminate the Signing of the Declaration of Independence, they’re good enough for me.

Well, my friends, I guess you missed that column. Because if you had read it – and if you had followed through on my plan to protest by dumping cartons of ICLs into Boston Harbor – there would have been no need for me to write today’s column. But your inaction in the face of this outrageous, Obumma-led curtailment of our freedoms let the Lily-Livered LEFT win that fight. But not the war.

We now have a chance to rise up and take action against an even bigger CLS sham: the Google Timelapse Project.

The plot: Using more than 2 million images taken by cameras aboard Landsat satellites, Google – along with the U.S. Geological Survey, NASA, TIME and Carnegie Mellon University – has produced a website that purportedly shows how much Earth has changed between 1984 and 2012. Normally, I’d say that this is a handy thing to have, especially if it allows us to catch the Iranians building a nuclear bomb factory and trying to disguise it as, say, a camel-racing track. But the CLSers are trying to use Timelapse to prove that Global Warming is real.

I’ll admit that their handiwork is pretty slick. Take a look at the site, and it really does appear that Alaska’s Columbia Glacier has shrunk a good bit since our beloved Ronnie Reagan was president. But I’m here to tell you that my 8-year-old son blew that theory right out of the water using a little gadget called Photoshop.

Five minutes after Buck pulled up the Timelapse website on his iPad, he came back with his own series of photos. And they “prove” beyond any doubt that Global Warming is a baldfaced lie. In fact, there is so much more snow at the North Pole since 1984 that just the top of the flagpole carrying the American flag at Santa’s Workshop is visible from space.

Global Warming? Ha! How dumb do they think we are? Explain this, Left-Leaners: According to my calendar, it’s mid-May, yet on Monday morning, it was so cold that my daffodils were drooping worse than the faces of Romney campaign workers last Nov. 7. Global Warming? Ha! No … Ha Ha Ha!

If you love America, don’t let this opportunity go by the wayside the way you did during the War for Incandescence. Fight back now! Fight back by refusing to use Google. And fight back the next time you take a trip by throwing your GPS in the garbage and using the time-tested American tradition of unfolding a roadmap – the same kind of roadmap that guided the Founding Fathers from Valley Forge to Yorktown! Fight, my fellow Americans, fight!

Don’t thank me. Thank Buck.

I knew the boy was a genius the day he showed me how he had adapted Colorforms technology to paste Hillary Clinton’s head onto Hitler’s body.