Nov 20, 2013 4 min read

Q.My best friend is in a bad relationship. I’m scared for her. I think I’m the only person who knows. I want to answer her right. What would you tell a friend who has a boyfriend who scares her?

15-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response: Thank you for writing. Please do not try to help your friend alone. Too often a young person tries to help a friend without seeking guidance.

First, please remember your role as a friend. You’re not your friend’s counselor or her parent. You are someone she trusts. She needs a friend who listens without judgment. She also needs a friend who is brave enough to seek help from adults. If your friend is in real danger, an adult needs to know. Your silence won’t help her.

Can you share your fear with your parents? Your parents may be able to talk with your friend’s parents. Is there a trusted teacher or guidance counselor at school? Adults care and can help. I will be happy to discuss resources with you. I can also meet with your friend.

Relationships should not be scary. Domestic Violence Services of Southwestern Pa. (http://www.peacefromdv.org/teen/) offers local support for teens (toll-free hotline 1-800-791-4000). Sadly, teen relationship abuse is not rare. The following statistics are from their website:

• 1 in 3 teens report knowing a friend who has been abused in their dating relationship.

• 1 in 3 teens say they are text messaged 10, 20 or 30 times an hour by their partner asking where they are, what they are doing and who they are with.

• 1 in 4 teens say they have been called names, harassed or put down by their partner through cell phones and texting.

• Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend has threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a break-up.

The site asks the following important questions to help a young person understand an unhealthy relationship:

Do you …

• Feel nervous around your partner?

• Avoid contact with friends because your partner disapproves of them?

• Feel pressured when it comes to sex or things related to sex?

• Make excuses to your family or friends for the way your partner is acting?

• Worry about what you are wearing because your partner may not approve?

• Feel as though you need to constantly explain your whereabouts to your partner

Our Real Talk Performers created an original educational drama entitled “Txt Me, Luv Me, Own Me” to address texting and sexting as a form of relationship abuse. The performers will present at schools or youth groups if requested (podmj@healthyteens.com).

I also recommend the following website: http://www.loveisrespect.org/. The site is geared to teens and helps differentiate a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one. It contains a powerful visual aid to describe the misuse of power in an unhealthy relationship (http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/power-and-control-wheel). The site includes an interactive relationship spectrum to help a teen evaluate what’s really happening with a partner. The following abusive relationship warning signs are important:

Is your partner …

• Checking your cellphone or email without permission

• Constantly putting you down

• Showing extreme jealousy or insecurity

• Demonstrating an explosive temper

• Isolating you from family or friends

• Making false accusations

• Having mood swings

• Physically hurting you in any way

• Being possessive

• Telling you what to do

• Repeatedly pressuring you to have sex

Remember, your role is to support your friend and help her seek help, not “diagnose” her relationship. Stay away from drama. If she is truly in danger, action is required. She needs a safety plan. Please remember – keeping her problem a secret is a poor choice. Please keep in touch.

Peer Educator response: Please share this information with your friend and help her get help. I was in an abusive relationship, and I’m so grateful I’m finished with it. My grades suffered. I thought I was ugly and fat because that’s what I was told every day. I couldn’t hang out with friends. I had to report everything I did. I got texts all the time, day and night. I believed it when I was told I wasn’t good enough. Now that I’m single I feel like myself again. I told lots of friends for months, but no one ever encouraged me to get help. You may feel bad telling an adult, but you’ve already done that by writing to Mary Jo. You’re a much better friend if you tell your parents or someone at school than if you don’t tell. Even if she gets angry with you, she’ll be better off safe.