Oct 16, 2013 6 min read

Q.What do you do when an adult is a hypocrite? It’s my coach. He’s all nice and supportive and “teachery” when other adults are around, but when he’s alone with us it’s one cuss word after another. He talks down to us and tells us how we suck at playing football. I guess it’s his idea of motivation, but it doesn’t work. Most of us are just afraid of him, and none of us respect him. It’s not like I expect him to be a mentor. I have a great dad, so I don’t need that. I would like to be treated with respect, though. My dad says that not all adults are mature. I think he’s right. I don’t exactly expect a solution. I think I just wanted to rant. Thanks for listening.

15 year-old-male

Mary Jo’s response: Your dad sounds like mine. As a young teen, my life revolved around our church youth group. One summer we partnered with another church and hosted a community carnival. I planned the program and worked many hours; the event was a great success. Two teens from my group counted the concession stand money and gave it to the other group’s adviser. When he reported the profit from the booth the amount he shared was several hundred dollars off. Shocked, I went to my papa. I won the “parenting lottery” with my folks – papa was supportive, kind and honest. I’ve never forgotten my father’s words. He said no human being is perfect. Age does not determine character. Adults can make mistakes, tell lies and be poor role models. My job, papa said, was to do the right thing. Our teens spoke with our adviser, and she handled the situation.

We make choices every day of our lives. Your dad is your mentor; you, too, won the parenting lottery. Continue talking with him as you mature. Do the right thing. Coaches, like all people, make mistakes. You’re not alone. Your teammates should follow up by speaking to their parents, just as you did. Your voice matters, and so do the voices of your parents. Good luck.

Q.I’m a 16-year-old girl on a local school soccer team, and I have some concerns about my coach. He tends to make a lot of jokes that are offensive, like asking if we like girls in a sarcastic manner, as if it’s a grave wrong. He also encourages us, indirectly, to act the same way to our teammates. What should I do? Should I confront him? I’m feeling put down by this all, as he’s denouncing a life choice that many have made: to love another of a same sex. Can I help him see what he’s doing to me, and others?

16-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response: Each person is a person of worth. Your coach does not have the right to harass you or your teammates. His behavior is bullying behavior and is not OK. I’m proud of you for reaching out.

As in Question 1, you’re dealing with an adult whose behavior is unkind and inappropriate. Are you comfortable speaking with a parent? Confronting him alone may be risky. Why not anonymously place this column in his locker room after speaking with a trusted adult? An adult conversation is necessary in this situation; his power over you and your teammates is huge. If you need an advocate, I’ll be happy to help.

Q.I sit the bench every single game. Even in practice, it’s like I’m invisible. If I told my mom how I feel she’d talk to the coach, but I don’t want her to do that. I’m too old for her to fight my battles. I get so mad. I have this pretend warrior assault force in my mind, and when I’m just sitting there bored out of my head I imagine them taking out my coach. Don’t worry, I’m not violent. I just play a lot of video games, and it’s easy for me to daydream about taking him out. I’d like to quit football, but I don’t know what my mom would say. Like, I do not want her to intervene.

14-year-old male

Mary Jo’s response: Most young people reach a point where they feel their parents should not “fight their battles.” I understand. I hear three concerns: You feel invisible, you’re concerned about your daydreams, and you would like to quit football while maintaining your mom’s approval.

No one should feel invisible. “Sitting the bench” is challenging but can actually build character. If you practice regularly and feel you’re a dedicated team member, you have the right to play at some point. I agree – you are old enough to talk with your coach. Practice the conversation with a friend or another trusted adult. Your mom might surprise you. If you are clear that you don’t want her to get involved, she may be able to support your conversation with your coach. Use “I” messages that don’t blame him. Share that you’d really like to play.

If you don’t enjoy football, though, you might want to consider other activities. Golf, tennis and swimming are sports where an individual’s contribution is more consistent; you actually improve your personal skills while working together as a team. Not all people enjoy sports; playing video games is an acceptable activity.

Finally, I’m glad you shared your daydreams. The challenge with imaginary violence lies with a person’s ability to separate fantasy from reality. I think you’d feel better if you kept your pretend warriors in the video game. Anger is a real emotion; acting on that anger with violence isn’t OK. Let’s continue to talk. Your mom or a guidance counselor at school would be able to offer you support, as well.

Peer Educator responses: Bullying from anyone is wrong. All three of you are experiencing some type of bullying from adults. You’re probably not the only person who feels this way. Some of us have been harassed in similar situations. Our parents were able to help. You may be the only person brave enough to step up. Think about the others on your team. Bullying can be dangerous and can lead to suicide. You were right to connect with Mary Jo. Now take the next step and talk with a parent or teacher. Your courage might make a very real difference in someone’s life.