Oct 25, 2013 3 min read

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It has costumes and candy. What’s not to love? I am not alone in my admiration for the season of the witch. Americans spend $2 billion on the holiday; $300 million on pet costumes alone! Three hundred million on pet costumes! Let that sink in for a moment.

I went to a costume party last night, and I have one next weekend. So, it’s spread out. Even though I love Halloween, I am not very good at it.

There are certain elements that go with having a successful holiday. There are three key ingredients: candy, decorations and costumes. I’ve been in the “epic fail” slot in all three categories.

Candy: One year I gave out Mallow Cups. Who the heck eats those? I did it on purpose. I didn’t want to have a candy on hand that I could devour before Oct. 31. At least I didn’t hand out apples. While the adult me loves a Granny Smith, Honey Crisp or Gala, I would have blanketed a house with toilet paper if I got fruit while trick-or-treating when I was a kid.

Decorations: I am not fond of decorating. My neighbors have a giant inflatable ghost, orange lights, jack-o’-lanterns aplenty and a million other props littering their yard. It looks like Jack Skellington’s Halloween Town over there. It also looks like a lot of work. Where do they keep all of that stuff the rest of the year? I simply don’t have the storage space for all that nonsense.

Costumes: I have never been very good at the costumes, either. I always wanted to go as a superhero, but you have to have a certain body type for that. Trust me, I went to the San Diego Comic Convention one year, and let me tell you, you don’t want to see a big guy in spandex. I saw a 400-pound Spider-Man once. It’s an image that is burned into my retinas, like a solar eclipse.

I am stuck going as Fred Flintstone, Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin – the fat guy costumes.

Last year, I went as June, Honey Boo Boo’s mom. Honey and June once did a mother/daughter beauty pageant. I use the word beauty lightly. My friend Ryan and I decided we were going to be in the same outfits they wore on television. I was going to have to wear a dress. As my cousin Johno once said, “It’s not Halloween unless I get to stuff tube socks down my shirt and call myself a woman.”

So, I bedazzled a pink tutu (Kmart has a one-size-fits-all pink tutu if you are looking for last-minute costume options). I donned a curly blond wig and smeared lipstick on my face. I wasn’t very good with it. It was my first time with make-up (not including television appearances). At a party a little girl saw me and said, “Why do you have to dress like that?”

I replied, “It’s Halloween. You can dress however you want!”

I’m sticking to that! I don’t know what I am going to be tonight, but I am dressing up. Just because I can.

Have a safe and happy Halloween, everyone.