Sep 11, 2013 6 min read

Q. I have a problem. My boyfriend stayed home and I’m in my first month of college. My school is too far away for us to get together much. We Skype and talk, but I might not see him until October break. We promised to be faithful. But … I met someone at school, and I’m sick about telling my boyfriend. I won’t lie to him. So far I only talk with this new guy, but wow! It’s great being even near him. I’ve never felt like this with my boyfriend. I’m going to break up. I genuinely want to remain friends. Is that possible?

Mary Jo’s response: Staying friends after a break-up isn’t easy. Question three’s writer offers testimony to the possibility. The way you handle the break-up may make a difference. Here are some ideas:

• Be honest but gentle: Treat your boyfriend as you’d like to be treated.

• Be faithful: Until you’ve resolved your old relationship, don’t begin a new one. Remain friends with the young man you’ve met at school.

• Avoid a “virtual” break up: I may be “old,” but breaking up via text message or social media seems disrespectful. Make an effort to speak with your boyfriend face to face, even if it’s over Skype.

• Listen: There are two sides to every story. Why not ask how your boyfriend feels about long-distance relationships? Hear his perspective.

• Set boundaries: Good friends know limits. For example, if you break up and remain friends, don’t take advantage of your ex by asking for money or help with moving. Don’t keep him around for the sake of convenience.

• Be a true friend: Your boyfriend may not be comfortable with friendship. It may take time for him to feel open with you. Being a friend with an ex also means holding back judgment about his future partners.

Breaking up may be hurtful, but I believe it’s better than dishonesty. Good luck.

Q.I hope you can help me. What do you do when you’re crazy about someone – like obsessed, I guess? There is this boy, and I really like him, and we’re best friends and he knows I like him, but I don’t know, I feel like I’m always annoying him. When I try to stay away from him, I can’t. We’re such good friends. I want to still be his friend, but I want it to become more. I’m trying not to talk about how I feel with our other friends, and I try to stay away from him, but that doesn’t work. I feel like I’m pushing myself onto him, and that’s not good, but he doesn’t seem to care. That’s OK I guess, but I feel weird. I talked with my mom already, and she doesn’t care if I like him. She knows I’m obsessed by him since he’s all I talk about and think about. People tell me that it’s normal and everyone has someone they like, but I feel I can’t be his friend because I like him so much. I mean like him, like him! I’m 14 and he’s 15.

14-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response

Liking someone is a powerful feeling. I’m thrilled that you’re connecting with your mom. Please keep communicating with her as you mature.

I like your question: Can two people maintain a friendship if one person is attracted to the other and wants a relationship? The answer depends on the individuals involved. Please read my responses to questions one and three. It is possible to remain friends, even after a break-up. In your situation, the key lies in communicating your feelings. It seems like this young man is aware of your crush. Have you ever spoken about it with him directly?

I think you’re wise to avoid talking about him with other friends. A relationship is between two people. I also think toning down your “obsession” with him may help. He may like you but not know how to react to your enthusiasm.

If he doesn’t return your attraction, I suggest working on friendship. One never knows. You will both change during high school. Give yourself a chance to grow up. Friendship may blossom into a relationship over time. Be the kind of individual he’d be happy to call friend and see what happens.

Find activities that engage you; turn your obsession and passion for him toward school, sports or after-school activities. Our Common Ground Teen Center is starting a weekly event called “Wordy Stuff” on Mondays at 5 p.m. The first Wordy Stuff is next Monday. One of our peer educators created the program – it will involve poetry slams, book discussions and readings of original writings. Join us and have fun!

Peer Educator response

Go for it! But don’t smother and don’t be weird. Give him a chance to say his side and then respect whatever he says. Stay away from drama!

Q.Something weird and amazing has happened. I broke it off with my girlfriend before we went to college. It was kind of mutual. We talked about it and decided that a long-distance relationship wasn’t for us. We both were leaving for school early, the end of June. And we said we’d still “be friends” (you know what they usually means – the kiss of death). I guess we both meant it because here we are, three months after our break-up, and we really are friends. We talk all the time. She comes to me with stuff like roommate problems, and I share how much tougher it is playing college sports. We’re both open to hooking up with other people, but neither one of us has. What do you think this means?

18-year-old male

Mary Jo’s response

I think it means that your connection with her remains strong. I wouldn’t read into your friendship. Be honest with each other, continue connecting, and see what happens. Good luck with college and your relationship.