Dec 17, 2014 6 min read

Q.I’m the only Jewish kid in my high school. My mom is Jewish. My dad is Catholic, but he doesn’t practice that faith. I usually go to synagogue with my mom. Here’s my question. I’d like my friends to treat me like everyone else. How do I get that to happen? Let me be clear. No one is bullying me in any way. My friends are all accepting. But they’re constantly asking me how I feel about politics, or Christmas, or Easter, as if I represent every person in my religion. That’s just crazy. Sometimes, I think they’re disappointed when I don’t get all freaked out about things. For example, a few of my good friends bought a Chanukah Menorah and planned to celebrate the festival of lights with me. Which is very thoughtful, but when I explained Chanukah is really a lesser holiday and many people fuss over it because they feel they need a substitute for Christmas, my friends looked so sad. I don’t want to pretend to like a holiday if it’s not a big deal to me. And I’m not upset about them celebrating Christmas. I often go to church with one of them. What should I do? Like I said, they’re good friends.

17-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: They do sound like very good friends. You seem like a good friend to them, as well. You remind me of the young people at our Common Ground Teen Center. I’ve witnessed them respect one another and honor each other’s beliefs. Wonderful.

Have you tried explaining yourself to them just as you did to me? If they are genuinely interested in your faith, your explanation may make sense to them. In a very real way, you are their teacher. Ask how much they want to know. Share information on the holy days that matter to you. Teach them about the High Holy Days: Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. You won’t need to pretend about Chanukah – I agree, you should not lie to them – and you’ll have an opportunity to educate them about your faith. Even if you consider Chanukah a lesser holiday, have you considered the possibility that your friends are simply trying to celebrate life with you?

You’re not alone in your desire to be treated like “everyone else.” Please remember each person is unique. You’re not everyone else, and neither are your friends. Your uniqueness is wonderful. Each of you is a person of worth. Enjoy the wisdom of learning about the culture and beliefs of others while teaching about what is dear to you.

Many young people have shared the angst they feel when they are asked to represent an entire group. For example, teens who are people of color tell me how much they dislike being treated as if all nonwhite teens think as they do. The same type of stereotyping can occur with religion. Once again, if your friendships are genuine they’ll have empathy for your experience.

Learning to find common ground with respect is a vital life skill. It seems as if you and your friends have a very good start.

Q.My roommate from college is coming home for the holidays with me because she lives out of state. Her family celebrates a secular Christmas. In our family, Christmas is a very spiritual time. We traditionally attend midnight Mass. How do I introduce my friend to our family’s beliefs without making her uncomfortable?

19-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: What a wonderful gift your family is giving your roommate! Holidays are about family. Opening your home to your roommate will make her school break much less lonely.

Communication is key. Talk openly with your parents before your roommate arrives; talk with your roommate prior to her arrival. She should not be forced to attend church services, but she might enjoy the beauty of ritual, music and the church community your family loves. It’s her choice.

Q.How do I tell my parents I’m learning toward being an atheist? My mom is Jewish but doesn’t go to synagogue, and my dad is Christian and doesn’t go to church. They both say they believe in God, but they’re not interested in organized religion. They raised me very openly. They’re great parents. They always told me I should explore faith and find my own beliefs. I’m in my third year of college now. My major is philosophy. I study great thinkers and I’ve read about all the major religions. I’ve also attended many services in a wide array of faiths. Last year I studied abroad and spent time in Europe and Asia. I learned meditation. I’ve become more and more interested in the concepts of ethics and goodness. I don’t believe I need a religion to be a righteous man and stand for social justice. I’m close to my parents and want to respect them. I’m concerned my revelation will hurt them, yet I also feel a need to share my thoughts. Is there a way I can gently tell them and continue to honor their own faith choices?

21-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: I think your parents raised you to think independently and form your own opinions. I doubt they’ll be upset. Your desire to honor and respect them is great. Give them a chance to react positively to your search. Remember your choices do not negate or diminish their faith. I’m guessing they’d enjoy debating with you. I’d actually love to hear your discussion! Please enjoy time with your parents and continue to learn.