Dec 18, 2014 3 min read

A few days before Thanksgiving, standing embarrassed at the front of Giant Eagle, I decided to stay out of the stores while Christmas shopping.

I bought my groceries for dinner and went to the liquor store for three bottles of wine. As I was lifting my environmentally responsible reusable bag of food into my shopping cart, I knocked the bag of wine bottles out of the front of the cart, sending it crashing to the floor. It was merlot. I think you can picture the carnage.

The nice bagger boy ran for a mop and told me to go back and get more wine.

“You won’t have to pay,” he said. “It was an accident.” But it didn’t feel right to leave (or get free wine), so I stood and watched as he mopped.

A moment like that will make a girl not want to go to stores. Of course, I have other reasons to stay out of the mall, the foremost being the irritating holiday music. The worst are all the many recordings of “All I Want for Christmas is You,” an iffy song when it first came out, and one made even more annoying by whatever marketing edict adds it to the playlist of every retail store. I swear I’ve heard a bluegrass version of it in a craft store.

Other reasons I am staying out of the mall: fools in the parking lot and shoppers who tie up a line of eight people while digging through their cavernous bag for a coupon. Also, Aunt Martha’s soft pretzels. That store smells delicious, but it’s a carb trap. Sometimes, I have to take the long way back to my car just to avoid it.

And so I did all my shopping online this year. With most places shipping for free, who wouldn’t? What a joy it’s been these dreary days, spending the day not shopping.

Every morning at about 10 a.m., I hear the familiar rumble of the big, brown truck and then look out the picture window to see the UPS man carrying a package or two to the front porch. I tear open the box, check the merchandise, put it back in the box and wrap it with a bow. That’s all the hustle and bustle I need.

I read somewhere UPS drivers almost never make left-hand turns. It has something to do with saving time in traffic. An efficiency expert figured out three right turns around a block take less time than sitting at a light, waiting to turn left.

I noted, though, that the only way for the brown truck to reach me on my one-way street is with two left-hand turns. I wonder if the driver finds that annoying or, maybe, refreshing?

Next time he’s on my porch, I’ll ask him. It should be about this time tomorrow. The rest of you will have just five shopping days before Christmas.

Me, I’ll be at home, not shopping. This year, all I want for Christmas is to not see you at the mall.

Beth Dolinar can be reached at cootiej@aol.com.