Nov 5, 2014 5 min read

Q.I need help telling my parents I’m gay. I’ve come out to my friends. They were all great. I came out to my gram, and she was so wonderful. I was afraid she’d not like it because she’s very active in her church, but she just said, “God loves you, and so do I.” But my parents are different. My dad is always saying nasty things about gay people, and my mom pretty much does whatever my dad says. I love them, and I don’t want to hurt them, but I’m really, really tired of living a lie with them. What if they hate me? How do I even start the conversation?

17-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: I’m happy your gram expressed her love for you so openly. She sounds like a great ally. Having one person in your family who supports you is great. You know your gram loves you exactly as you are. It will take courage to come out to your parents, but I believe you’ll feel better once you do.

Consider the reasons you want to come out to your parents. Please don’t feel pressured into coming out. The “how” of coming out is up to you. Each person is different. Some young people write notes or find creative ways to tell their parents; most young people who come out recommend doing so face to face.

First, let’s be certain you’re safe. If your dad is angry, will you be safe at home? Your gram could be a help to you. You may feel more at ease if she’s with you when you speak to your parents. Will your gram give you a place to stay if your parents react strongly at first?

Remember you are a person of worth. Here are some steps you might want to follow to start the conversation:

• Be sensitive: Choose a time to talk with your mom and dad when they aren’t dealing with stress. Did you ever have a terrible, horrible, very bad day (like in the book and movie)? When stress is high, a person may not receive an unexpected message well. You may also want to speak with one parent at a time. Ask your gram for advice. She knows your parents.

• Select a safe, comfortable environment: Sit down. Choose a private or semi-private place where you can talk but also feel safe.

• Share your feelings honestly: Tell your parents how much you love and appreciate them. Share how much it hurts to lie to them. Start the conversation gently by easing into the topic. Tell your parents you respect them. Share that you have something very important to tell them – something that means a great deal to you.

• Say it with kindness: Tell your parents you’re gay without adding drama. Don’t assume they’ll freak out. Be as matter of fact as possible. Tell them you’re OK. Ask for their support. Share how much their support means to you.

• Be patient: Not all parents react badly when a child comes out, but many don’t know what to say or how to act. They may ask you questions that seem insensitive. Try to remain calm.

• Reassure: Parents may ask if they’re to blame for your sexual identity. Reassure them that your sexual orientation is part of you, just like whether you’re right- or left-handed, or the size of your nose. You are the same person before and after you come out. Sexuality is not the only thing that defines a person. After coming out, musicians still love music, athletes still enjoy sports and young people who love school remain interested in academics.

• Give your parents time to adjust: Some parents accept a young person’s coming out quickly, while others may need time. Again, this is where your gram can be a great ally. Listen to your parents’ point of view with respect, even if you disagree.

Let’s stay in touch. I can connect you with support. You’re not alone.

I sought advice from some young people. Their thoughts follow:

• Bring up an event or something that is LGBT-related and ask your parents what they think of it.

• Possibly start with your mom; try to open her up to be more accepting of you.

• Your dad may still be prejudiced but may eventually realize you’re still his child. In time, you can call him out on his homophonic slurs if you feel safe doing so.

• Get support from your gram. Ask her to help you and stand with you.

• There are many books about Christianity that address being gay. Some churches are supportive. It sounds as if your gram will take you to church with her if you want to go.

• Remember who you are. Everyone is going to react differently. People can change over time.

• Sometimes it’s best to just say it. Some parents aren’t surprised.

Good luck!