Nov 7, 2014 3 min read

Halloween is over, and it seems like we’re skipping straight to Christmas. Thanksgiving is being overlooked. Except for the long weekend in late November, that’s almost OK with me. I am not a fan of Thanksgiving.

It’s nice to set aside a day of gratitude, and I do love being surrounded by friends and loved ones. Plus we get two days off! Two! The thing is, I could skip the holiday meal and be perfectly fine.

Also, I have a secret I’ve never told you guys. I hate pumpkin-flavored food. I don’t like pumpkin beer, pumpkin muffins or even pumpkin pie. I never understood the autumnal pumpkin worship. I’m the Anti-Linus.

Side note: Does it bother anyone else that Linus Van Pelt goes from pagan pumpkin-worshipper in October to full-on, Bible-quoting Christian by December? Lucy must have had quite a few therapy sessions with her little bro. I’m guessing it was a whole dollar’s worth! They were five-cent sessions, after all.

But I digress, like I do. November is this weird time of year everyone is pushing pumpkin on you. I don’t even think pumpkins have a flavor! Otherwise you wouldn’t need to put in so much cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice in the mix.

Don’t even get me started on allspice. If it’s called allspice, why do you need other spices? It should taste like salt, pepper, cumin, cinnamon, garlic, rosemary, onion and thyme. Of course, that would be one nasty spice, like an Everything Bagel that was in the same bag with the Cinnamon Raisin ones. Yuck-o.

From the beginning of fall until Christmas I hear, “You don’t like pumpkin? Who doesn’t like pumpkin?” Yes. I know. It’s a federal crime. I was arrested in a Starbucks for turning my nose up at their seasonal latte.

Thanksgiving turns people into fascist pumpkin lovers. I just don’t care for it. I shouldn’t be on “American Horror Story: Freakshow.”

“Ladies and gentleman, step right up and see the man who is literally out of his gourd! See Mike, the pumpkin hater!”

It’s not like I want to quash your love of the squash. Go on, enjoy that piece of pie! Drink that Pumking (with a g) beer. Get your pumpkin cheesecake. Just don’t ask me to share the dessert or drink with you.

Another side note: Party hosts and hostesses don’t like it when you turn down their pie and ask for just a plate of whipped cream. The real party foul is squirting it in my mouth, straight from the can.

I don’t hate pumpkins. I absolutely love jack-o-lanterns. I just don’t want to eat that orange mush that was carved out to make that Frankenstein face. The weird thing is … I do love toasted pumpkin seeds. I like the carved-out dead ones and the never-happened new ones; the alpha and the omega of pumpkinkind. It’s the in-between part I can live without.

Don’t get mad. It’s more pumpkin for you! Send me your address, and I will gladly mail you guys every slice of pie I’m offered. If you reach into your mailbox and pull out a mushy orange envelope, you’ll know it’s from me. Never mind. It doesn’t travel well, and that’s just one more thing I don’t like about it.