Oct 21, 2014 4 min read

Gimme an E. Gimme a B. Gimme an O. Gimme an L. Gimme an A. What’s that spell?

Big profits for one enterprising manufacturer.

Over the weekend various media sources reported Giant Microbes, a Connecticut-based company, sold out of its line of plush Ebola dolls, which includes both standard ($9.95) and “gigantic” ($29.95) versions. Collectors can complete the set with the purchase of a petri dish ($9.95). Depending on your viewpoint, the dolls look like either Lowly Worm of children’s-book fame or a wayward piece of dough from Little Caesar’s new soft-pretzel-crust pizza.

I am not making this up.

Laura Sullivan, vice president of marketing for GM, told interviewers the Ebola dolls “have continued to sell out a number of times over the last couple of months.” Sales undoubtedly are being fueled by 24/7 reporting on the efforts to contain the Ebola outbreak that was initially reported Aug. 26 in West Africa. More dolls will be available this week, Sullivan said.

As stupid toys, these rank right up there with the demonic Osama Bin Laden doll the CIA once hoped to use to frighten Middle East children and the exploding rocket booster Sears rolled out not long after the space shuttle Challenger disaster.

But lest you think GM is taking advantage of the worldwide panic over Ebola to increase company profits, you should know the company has been in business since 2002, producing a fuzzy phalanx that grew more than 150 designs. They really are cute. And informative: Prior to perusing GM’s website, I thought Sal Monella was the shortstop for the 1953 New York Yankees.

GM’s products were designed with the intent of allowing medical and health-care professionals to use them for educational purposes. The adorable blue Common Cold (Rhinovirus) doll, for example, might help illustrate proper hand-sanitizing practices to avoid spreading its namesake virus. I like this idea. Perhaps President Obama could authorize the U.S. military to load a Lockheed C-130 transport with thousands of GM’s cute green Orthomyxovirus plushies and drop them over Texas, where, in 2014, 62 percent of adults ages 18 to 64 chose not to be vaccinated against the flu.

I guess I can’t fault GM for developing new strains of dolls for every occasion. It makes sense to educate people against the dangers of infectious diseases by any means rather than having them learn from the panic-inducing hyperbole prevalent on cable news.

It’s hard, however, not to question some of the marketing blurbs GM uses.

For example, GM’s list of “Girlfriend/Boyfriend Gifts” includes Kissing Disease (Epstein-Barr, or mononucleosis), which is accompanied by this cavalier description of the pink doll: “A kiss is just a kiss – unless she’s around! Ninety-five percent of the population has encountered this sweetie pie. Find out who gets her special love.”

Human Papillomavirus, the most common sexually transmitted disease in America – yet one parents resist having their children vaccinated against – carries this pitch: “Kissing this frog can give you warts. But, the new HPV vaccine can be a real prince.”

“A uniquely contagious gag gift” is the tagline GM uses to hype its Ebola doll. Sullivan defended its use by saying that the toy has “a rather robust hang tag” listing educational information. “It’s not like our herpes toy,” she said, “which is often a gag gift … a guy wants to give his girlfriend herpes.” Funny stuff, STDs.

Given the human penchant for laughing in the face of crisis, I guess it makes sense that GM’s Ebola dolls are flying off the shelves. But they can’t all be in the recently washed hands of educators. A few, no doubt, will be found in Christmas stockings. Or perhaps in children’s bedrooms.

Baby’s first communicable disease.