Oct 29, 2014 6 min read

Q.Can you help settle an argument between my mother and I? My son is 13. For the last two years, we’ve let him go trick-or-treating in our neighborhood with a group of friends. I trust him. He’s never caused a problem on Halloween night. This year, my mom is living with us because my wife and I split up. Every day, she tells me how dangerous it is to let our boy go out without an adult. Her hypocrisy is too much. When I was my son’s age, I left at dusk on Halloween and went from neighborhood to neighborhood, not coming home until after 9 p.m. When I told her that, she said life is different now. She almost calmed down when I told her I’d give my son a smartphone so he can call me. Then she said, no, that’s still not OK because he’ll get busy and not call and then we won’t have any idea where he is. She wants me to walk around the neighborhood with him as if he’s 6. I said he’s old enough to go out on his own, he’s done this for two years running without a problem, and my accompanying him will make him feel like he’s not trusted. My mom is obsessed with this. Your thoughts, please.

Frustrated dad

Mary Jo’s response: Three-generational living (your mom, you, and your son) can be a real challenge. In your mom’s eyes, you’re still her “little boy.” In your perspective, you’ve been parenting for 13 years and you know your son like no one else. The changes in your home since your wife left may also add to tension.

You have my support. As the parent, you need to make choices that empower your son while also protecting him. If you follow him around from house to house on Halloween, he may feel uncomfortable. His friends may not understand. On the other hand, I have empathy for your mother. Life is truly different now, especially from her perspective. It may be difficult for her to ease her worry.

I’m not sure if this concept will help, but in researching my response to you, I discovered an innovative bi-directional locator app for smartphones. It’s called the Trick or Tracker App (http://trickortracker.com/), and it targets young people ages 12 and up. The app is downloaded on both the child’s phone and the parent’s. A password is selected. Using GPS and satellite technology, the parent can “check in” and locate a child in seconds. When located, the app sends an SMS text message to the parent detailing the child’s location. The app promises to peg a child’s location to within about 10 feet. The child can hit a panic button if lost or feeling uneasy. The app can also set up a geofence, or an invisible boundary. The cost is $4.99, but until midnight Friday, the app is free. Thirteen-year-olds love smartphones. Your son may understand his grandmother’s anxiety and accept the app as a way to make her feel better.

Although technology is fun and may help solve your current dilemma, I suggest open communication with your mom and your son. The dynamic of your relationships changed. Talk out your feelings when alone with your mother. Let her know she is appreciated. Share your need to be the primary parent. Help your son maintain respect for his grandmother while developing empathy for her concerns. Change can be challenging. Good luck.

Peer Educator response: A 13-year-old should not be accompanied by a parent on Halloween. He’s way too old for that.

Q.I’m the parent of three teens, ages 14, 16 and 18. Every year they go trick-or-treating with their friends. They stay in our neighborhood. I don’t see anything wrong with it. They don’t put a lot of time into their costumes, but they do dress up. They’re good kids. They don’t get into trouble. This year, the 18-year-old is staying home with me to give out candy. My question deals with my neighbor, who I thought was a pretty decent friend. Last week she started whining about my teens going into the neighborhood on Halloween night. She said they’re too old. I don’t get how this is any of her business. I like to dress up myself on Halloween, and I’m a lot older than my kids. How do I tell her that I hear what she’s saying but I don’t agree? Like I said, she’s been a friend. I’d like to be kind and not just say “mind your own business,” but I don’t know if I can stay calm. Her kids are preschoolers. I think she’ll change her mind when they’re teens.

Angry mom

Mary Jo’s response: As parents, we’re seldom prepared for the needs of children older than our own. You’re correct, your neighbor may change her mind when her little ones are teens. This situation can be a teachable moment.

I think you should tell her your thoughts as easily as the way you wrote them to me. Explain that you respect her opinion and share how you feel. If necessary, you can agree to disagree.

I wonder about her motivation for talking with you. If she’s a friend, she may want to protect you in some way. I’d ask her why she’s worried about a situation that doesn’t affect her. Is she concerned your older children will change her preschoolers’ Halloween experience? Can you invite her for cider after trick-or-treat? Spending time with your happy teens may ease her mind. Hopefully, your love for the holiday will bridge this gap. If not, enjoy your own family and strive to remain calm. Your friendship can continue after Halloween.

Peer Educator response: Lots of teens go trick-or-treating. It’s fun. Dressing up is a great time. It’s not your neighbor’s business. We have a Halloween Bash at our Teen Center today from 5 to 7. We’ll dress up in crazy costumes. Tell your teens to join us. We’re at 53 N. College St. in Washington.

Congratulations to our Real Talk Performers, who performed and taught about race and diversity at the Carnegie Museum Youth Summit on Race and Identity Oct. 22. Taking part were Sasha Edwards, Serena Green, Koron Harris, Mackenzie Martin, Kellie Mendicino, Daniel Pascoe, Angus Pinkerton, Saul Wells and Saulyna Wells.