Sep 17, 2014 7 min read

Q.I’m pregnant. I’m sure you’ve heard that once or twice. The problem isn’t just that I’m young (I’m in 10th grade). The real problem is my stepmom doesn’t believe me when I tell her I was raped. She said I went with this guy and it was my fault. But I didn’t want to have sex. She said if I was raped I would have had bruises or something. OK, so I didn’t fight back. But, I didn’t say yes. I did say no. For real, I was yelling, but no one was around. I was just so scared. He was all mean and strong and pushed me down. Afterwards he said nice things like we should do that again. I was just crazy to get away from him, and I walked home and then pretended it never happened. Until I missed my period. Should I try to talk to my dad? Since I’m pregnant, he hardly even looks at me. I’ve never even had a boyfriend, and he knows that. I don’t want to cause trouble, and the guy’s gone now anyway because he moved schools. I don’t think he’s a bad guy, but I do think he’s messed up about women. I thought about abortion but changed my mind. I can’t do that, and now it’s too late anyway. So, there’s these two things. I’m scared to death about labor. I hate pain. And I kind of want to tell someone at school about the rape, but I’m scared my stepmom will get real mad at me. I haven’t told an adult yet. My friends are standing by me, but other kids at school who don’t really know me call me names and stare. I don’t care. Most of the time. But, I have this friend who is a peer educator with you, and she said I should do something about it because he might hurt another girl. What if I told my guidance counselor? That kind of scares me. My friend told me to Facebook message you and said that you’re for real and I should ask you. So I did. If you answer me I want to say thanks!

15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: I believe you. Blaming you for a rape isn’t OK. No person should be forced into anything sexual without consent. Not fighting back physically is actually smart; with some rapists physical resistance can make the attack more violent. The fact that there were no bruises has nothing to do with whether or not a person was raped. This was not your fault. You were not to blame.

I see four areas where support would make your life easier. The first deals with the trauma of the rape. Counseling is really, really important. A trained therapist can help you deal with what happened. Denial means you put the assault out of your mind as if it never happened. The pregnancy made it impossible to continue pretending. Meeting with a counselor doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means you need some help to deal with sexual violence. I know young women like you who have moved on with their lives and now have healthy relationships with partners who care for their children. You deserve happiness.

I’d like to meet with you in person as soon as you’re able. And yes, I think talking with your dad would be smart, as long as you feel safe doing so. I can help you talk with him. Sometimes a person outside the family can buffer a tough conversation. I wouldn’t judge your stepmom. I’d simply try to teach your dad about sexual assault. If he’s interested, a good website for dealing with rape is the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network at https://www.rainn.org.

Do you have another family member you can trust? A grandparent, older sibling, aunt or uncle could bring you to our office or help you talk with your dad. I’ll meet with you alone and then with your dad or trusted adult. If you agree, then we can all talk together. I won’t ask you to talk about anything you don’t want to share.

Let’s discuss with whom you should share this situation. You could share with your school guidance counselor, of course. Whether or not your stepmom is angry, you have the right to seek help. It might be wise to line up family support before you talk to someone else.

Second, you have the legal right to press charges. When we meet we can discuss the how and why of doing so. If you “cause trouble” for him, that’s OK. Your peer educator friend is correct. When survivors of sexual assault have the courage to share they might stop another person from being raped. You don’t need to face this alone. There are wonderful professionals who can help you with legal issues.

You didn’t mention the young man’s age. Statutory rape in Pennsylvania occurs when two people have sex and one is less than 16 (the age of consent in Pennsylvania) and the other person is four or more years older. If he was over four years older than you, the sex would be considered rape even if you had said yes.

Third, my staff are trained to help prepare young mothers for labor, birth and parenting. Our program is totally free. All you need do is connect with us. Our office number is 724-222-2311, or I can register you for the program. We’ll need parental consent, so that will give me a chance to talk with your dad. We will help you understand what’s happening. We’ll teach you ways to cope during labor and birth. Giving birth after sexual trauma can be challenging – your health care provider needs to know your history. We can help you disclose (tell) your doctor. You should be treated with care and respect.

It may sound strange, but your body knows how to give birth. You will find the strength to have your baby, but you won’t be alone. A doula is a person who stays with a woman throughout her labor. I’ve been a doula to hundreds of young women. We can prepare a family member or friend to be with you in labor, but if you have no one you can trust, we will go with you.

Fourth, I’d like to spend some time with you and talk about your sexual health. You may not be interested in a relationship right now, but the trauma of sexual assault could follow you. I want you to have a healthy relationship someday.

Finally, I’m so happy you contacted me. Thank you for the compliment. Being told I’m “for real” is a nice gift.

Let’s meet this week. Both you and your peer educator friend have my cell number. Please don’t hesitate to use it. You may give it to your dad. Please take care of you and your baby.

Peer Educator response:

I told her to connect with you. I’ve been talking with her ever since I found out she was pregnant. I made her doctor’s appointment for her. I love being a peer educator. I’m happy I’m her friend.