Sep 23, 2014 3 min read

Allow me to begin this column by complaining that it was edited. The original contained earth-shaking, ground-breaking, wave-making prose the like of which has never been printed in this – or any other – century. I mean, Mark Twain would have tumbled off his heavenly sternwheeler had it been printed. It was that good.

Observer-Reporter editors, however, will claim they routinely edit articles and, in my case, “compressed” the original because it was jerky and ran too long. Should you think less of me by column’s end, I shall stand in solidarity with my brother, former Baltimore Raven Ray Rice, as a victim of unscrupulous editing.

By now, even those who think NFL stands for National Fruitcake League must have seen two security-camera videos that make it seem as if Rice slugged his fiancée, Janay Palmer, while the couple was in an elevator at a casino, then dragged her limp body into the lobby. The incident occurred in February, but the bloodsucking scum media kept the case in the public eye while they hope for another Malaysia Air jetliner to go missing.

A second video released this month appears to show that Rice punched Palmer – who has since become his wife – while in the elevator, knocking her to the floor and rendering her insensible. I say “appears to show” because the videos lack sound, so no definitive interpretation of what actually happened can be ascertained.

He opted to drag her body from the elevator rather than strain his arms, which are unaccustomed to cradling anything heavier than a football. Had he been a defensive lineman, Rice no doubt would have done his sack dance.

To be fair, however, it should be obvious to anyone who can read body language – as any good columnist can – that in the initially released video, after dragging Palmer from the elevator, Rice shouted, “Concierge! I have found the body of an unconscious woman in this small room that moves vertically between floors. Might you assist me in rendering aid, my good man?”

Given that Rice and Palmer have since married, and after a close viewing of the second released video, I’ve determined what really happened inside the elevator is this:

Rice told Palmer he loved her so deeply, he would like to move up the date of their wedding. She, overcome with joy, rushed toward her intended, only to run into his fist, which he extended in a prenuptial victory pump.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who previously suspended Rice for two games on the basis of the initial video, decided to make the suspension indefinite. Some sources say Goodell had already seen the second video, but thought perhaps Palmer was knocked out not by Rice’s punch, but when her head hit the elevator floor. This is a little like saying the bullet, not the shooter, killed the victim. But because I have no video of Goodell viewing the second video, I can’t say for certain what really happened.

Rice recently said he will appeal his suspension because TMZ edited the second video prior to releasing it. TMZ says that’s true, but only to “compress” it because the footage was “jerky” and skipped backward and forward in time. Ray Rice and yours truly. Victims of cavalier editing.