Apr 5, 2015 3 min read

In the 34 years of working at this newspaper, I have carved out a reputation as being the anti-Nostradamus.

Remember Nostradamus?

In the early 1500s, he developed a reputation as a great seer of the future, even though the best job he could land was apothecary, or what is now known as the modern day pharmacist.

Nostradamus guised his predictions of the future by constructing syntax, word games and a mixture of other languages such as Greek, Italian and Latin. He did this so that he could raise his success rate and avoid punishment when he was wrong, like being burned at the stake. They tended to do that in those times.

Now, any loudmouth slob in a bar can boast about the near-perfect NCAA basketball bracket he put together but failed to submit, or that he always knew Bobby Thompson was going to hit that home run for the Giants – look it up, younger people – or that Flutie was going to complete that pass or Kirk Gibson was going to hit that home run.

Not me.

As the anti-Nostradamus, I have a knack for making predictions that are doomed once the words leave my mouth.

How else can you explain what happened when I blurted out, “There is no way that Jean van de Velde is going to lose a three-shot lead on the final hole of the British Open” in 1999, or the time I said, “The United States Olympic hockey team will never beat the Russians” during the 1980 Olympics or “Why is Appalachian State playing Michigan in football. They’ll get crushed” in 2007.

My forecasts tended to become more outrageous when made in those moments of frustration, and quickly became office fodder. So much so, that they somehow found their way written down on paper then input into a computer.

Some examples?

“Jim Leyland is going to get fired at the end of the season.” – 1997

(He went on to lead the Florida Marlins to the World Series that year).

“The Pirates are going to finish with a .500 record this year.” – 2004

(They finished 17 games under .500 and 32 1/2 games out of first place)

“Here comes 100 losses for the Pirates.” – 2014

(The Bucs went 88-74 and made the playoffs)

I am never wrong, but as you can see, sometimes I am a little weak on being right.

Lately, I’ve been wrong enough that my predictions have become the kiss of death. Whatever I say, the opposite happens.

So I am going to do my part for the Pittsburgh Pirates this season by telling you that there is no way they will win 92 games, replace the St. Louis Cardinals as champions of the National League Central Division, or earn a spot a spot in the playoffs. The Pirates have absolutely no chance of getting into the World Series or winning it.

Why?

Their outfield stinks, their pitching staff is weak, their bench is thin and the coaching is awful.

No way will there be a parade in Pittsburgh to celebrate the first World Series title since 1979, that will draw tens of thousands of people to the streets of Pittsburgh to pay homage.

There.

My work here is done.

You can thank me later.

Assistant sports editor Joe Tuscano can be reached at jtuscano@observer-reporter.com