Aug 5, 2015 5 min read

To celebrate this column’s 10th year, I’ve been selecting occasional vintage columns to share. This column is from July 2005. Peer educators weren’t part of the column in 2005.

Q.I was pregnant, then I lost the baby. My boyfriend’s mom and my mom know about it. I feel so sad all the time. I hate getting up in the morning. I just want to stay in bed. My mom’s boyfriend is always calling me lazy. My boyfriend says I’m depressed because of the baby. My mom and his mom say I was lucky to lose the baby and it was the best thing that could have happened. That just makes me sadder. Do you think I’m OK?

– 17-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response

The sadness you’re feeling is part of mourning over the loss of your baby. You’ve experienced a miscarriage. A miscarriage is defined as a pregnancy loss before 20 weeks. Most miscarriages occur in the first trimester or 12 weeks of pregnancy.

A miscarriage can be an intensely sad and frightening experience for any woman. Unfortunately, a young parent may not receive support for her loss. Since a teen pregnancy is often unplanned and may happen at a difficult time, many adults respond to a miscarriage by saying the teen is better off without the pregnancy. I believe age doesn’t determine a woman’s sense of loss and grief after a miscarriage. Your body’s hormones responded to the pregnancy and began to prepare you for motherhood. In my opinion, you’re OK, your feelings should be respected and you should be given support to heal.

You aren’t alone. Miscarriages are a lot more common than many people think. Research by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists shows that about 15 percent of recognized pregnancies end suddenly.

Many women blame themselves for a miscarriage; a mother may examine her activities before she lost the baby and feel guilty for behavior that “old wives tales” or rumors connect with a miscarriage. The truth is, the causes of miscarriage are not thoroughly understood. When a woman has a first-trimester miscarriage, her health-care provider often cannot determine the cause. Most miscarriages occur when a pregnancy isn’t developing normally. Usually, there’s nothing a woman or her provider can do to prevent it.

Your boyfriend may be right. The behaviors you describe – wanting to stay in bed all day and feeling sad all the time – can be signs of depression, not laziness. You deserve to feel better. Speaking with a counselor or your health-care provider can give you a chance to talk about your emotional reactions to this loss. Your age and whether or not you planned the pregnancy are not factors in the intensity of your grief. Please don’t be afraid to seek help. Two websites that offer support are: SHARE Pregnancy Loss and Support (www.nationalshareoffice.com) and the March of Dimes (www.marchofdimes.com). There are counselors in your community who can help. It is also normal to feel especially sad when your due date arrives.

A lot of women who experience a miscarriage worry about another pregnancy. Some want to get pregnant right away, while others want to take time to heal. Your age may mean waiting to get pregnant again is a smart choice, especially if you have another year of high school. I’ve observed a common mindset when a teen pregnancy ends suddenly – young moms often want to replace the lost pregnancy right away. I’d like to challenge you to postpone another pregnancy until you’re truly ready for one. A “replacement baby” won’t take away this loss and can make your life more difficult. Let’s continue talking about how you feel. While both your grief and your desire to have another pregnancy can be normal, you owe it to yourself, your boyfriend and your future to face your feelings and make smart choices. Good luck.

Q.

My dad died about a year ago. He had cancer and was really sick. I went though a really bad time, but I feel better now. My mom is acting like he died yesterday. How long is she going to be like that? My mom is so sad all the time that it makes it hard for me to be around her, but I feel like I should help her. What’s a normal amount of time for mourning someone?

– 18-year-old male

Mary Jo’s response

People mourn the loss of a loved one in different ways. There is no set way to mourn and there is no ‘normal’ time for mourning. Many people find a memory can trigger grief long after a loved one dies; memories can also remind you of warm, loving, and even joyous times with your father. Your father’s memory will follow you throughout your life. The way we grieve is unique to each of us; each of us mourns at his or her pace.

Remember your loss was different from your mom’s loss. While you lost a parent, she lost her partner and spouse. At eighteen you’re preparing for a new life after high school, while your mom’s entire way of life has changed.

Your mom may need some help working through her grief. If your mom has a close friend, talk with her friend for suggestions on helping her. Grief counselors often run loss groups.

I respect you for your grief and courage, and I am sorry for your loss. Remember your presence is a great gift to your mom.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.