Aug 14, 2015 3 min read

I was coming home from work on the bus the other day when I got smacked in the face with a backpack. It was an unintentional face-whapping. The businessman who was wearing said backpack was unaware of his own circumference. I was in the aisle seat, and he was standing above me holding the bar. He turned to say hello to a friend, and I got a face full of The North Face.

After he hit me in the face a second time, I offered him my seat. I figured he’d be much less dangerous if I were standing and he were sitting. Unfortunately, he declined my generous offer. His stop was coming up. I got hit in the face one more time before he disembarked.

Here’s what I want to know: Why are grown men wearing backpacks to work? You’re going to be away from home for eight to 10 hours at the maximum. You are not climbing the Matterhorn. You’re not even Dora the Explorer!

Whatever happened to the attaché or briefcase? Since people carry them at the end of their arm, you can only be intentionally whacked in the face with one, usually by Bond. James Bond.

If you’re a college kid and you’re wearing a backpack or book bag, go for it. They go great with jeans and T-shirts with snarky sayings on them. Bazinga! However, backpacks look ridiculous with your blue blazer and matching necktie.

By the way, I am actually kind of glad that ties are going away. You really only see them at weddings, funerals and job interviews.

Ask any Mark, Rick or Steve, “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”

I keep wondering what’s next. Are people going to be accompanied by a Sherpa on their way to work?

“Pack the yak! We’re heading to the office!”

What is in there? It felt like laptop, some important PowerPoint slides, an apple and a leftover turkey sandwich. You don’t need a backpack for that! By the way, Darrin Stephens or Mike Brady would never have been caught dead with a backpack (Note: a Cliff Huxtable joke was deleted, because it was a bit too rapey).

I might look stupid carrying my simple brown paper lunch bag, but I have never injured anyone with it. Okay, a can of La Croix fell out the bottom of my bag and dropped on that guy’s foot the one time. Blame condensation. The beads of liquid sweated through the brown bag and broke it open. I may have to downgrade to plastic bag.

If you feel the need to wear a backpack on your next expedition to downtown Pittsburgh, please try to remember that it juts out several inches away from your body. Technically, this whole article is about boundaries. Know your personal boundary and we won’t have a problem. If you promise to keep your backpack to yourself, I will keep my carbonated water off your feet. That strikes me as a fair deal.