Dec 16, 2015 3 min read

Q:I agreed with your response to the smartphone for a fourth-grader last week. I’m a grandma, and I think the young parent was very wise to seek advice. I just hope her mother listens. May I ask you for some advice? Can you help parents say “no” to their kids? It seems like everything a child asks for is a “yes” these days, even if a parent can’t afford it.

Just sign me Confused Grandma

Mary Jo’s response: Thank you for your response. Parenting is often challenging; the role of grandparent is amazing but also can test a person’s ability to accept the choices of others. Stepping back without judging can be rough.

Should parents say “no” more often? I think each child/parent relationship and situation is unique. Our culture seems focused on the acquisition of things. As a group, we seem unhappy deferring gratification. When adults want something, they often purchase it. When children ask for something, many parents provide it. This time of year can be materialistic. Creative options to gift-giving can provide teachable moments. A friend gives his children a small amount of money and asks them to create a “pay it forward” type activity with it. Each child reports on the way the money was used to help someone. Teaching children to give to others creates adults with character.

We also live in a consumer-based society where 24-hour news, advertisements and social media make it difficult to avoid the latest fad. Life is also complicated. How often do parents say “yes” to purchases out of guilt for their busy lives? Spending time with family can be difficult. How often do parents make purchases from pressure to keep up with other families?

Your question is a question within a question. Has parenting become more “yes” focused to the point where children are not given limits for their behavior? Are children learning they do not need to earn rewards, but are simply given whatever they wish?

Our young people often tweet the hashtag #Firstworldproblems. We experience opportunities unavailable in other parts of the world. Teaching our children to value those opportunities is important. I think young people need to be aware of financial limitations in a family. Families need to work together. Modeling living within one’s means is a great life lesson.

As always, communication is key. Family meetings should set limits on purchases and set goals for behavioral rewards. Parents are their children’s first teachers. They should teach the value of setting a goal and working towards achieving it. I was impressed with our peer educators’ mature responses.

It seems parents in our society want to give in to their children’s demands instead of teaching them the value of hard work and earning something. What will happen when those children are adults and can’t afford the things they’ve become used to having? It’s easier for an adult to say “yes” than to see a child upset. Children do not need smartphones and tablets and TVs and new brand-name clothes and game consoles. Children should be playing outside and gaining skills they need in life. Parents should be teaching them, and they should be learning and earning a phone, earning a reward. Parents cannot give everything to their kids and expect them to succeed.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.