Dec 23, 2015 3 min read

Q.My family is a mess this Christmas. My grandma died last month on Thanksgiving weekend. She’d been sick with cancer for a long time. I heard a lot of my relatives saying it was for the best that she died. I don’t understand that. I miss her. And now no one is getting into the holiday. No one is talking with me about her death, either. It’s like no one sees me because I’m a kid. Thanks for listening.

12-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Losing a loved one is difficult; when a death occurs near a holiday, grief can be especially sharp. The death can make celebrating seem impossible.

People grieve differently. Denying emotional pain after a death is sometimes considered courageous. Crying or mourning a loss is normal for many people. It sounds as if your grieving needs space to talk about your grandma and remember good times. It’s OK to miss her.

The comments you overheard about your grandma’s death being “for the best” are probably linked to her illness. I was an oncology nurse in the ’70s and a hospice nurse in the ’80s. Hospice supports families during long illnesses like cancer. Watching a loved one deal with pain can make people feel a kind of relief when death occurs. Your relatives still love your grandma; talking about her death with relief only means they are glad she is no longer suffering.

Many adults believe young people your age are not able to handle talking about death. Your family may think they are protecting you by avoiding a conversation about your grandma. I believe you are mature enough to deal with it. Talking through your memories, your feelings and your sorrow can help you heal.

I suggest opening the conversation. Ask someone you trust to spend a little time with you. Plan your request so the adult isn’t stressed or busy. Begin honestly. Share what you told me. You’re not invisible, and your feelings are important. Memories of happy days with your grandma can ease pain. Don’t be afraid of tears.

You could also talk with a guidance counselor at school, continue to text with me, or write your thoughts in a journal. It’s important to live your life with joy while accepting feelings of sadness. Grief takes time. You may hear a song your grandma loved or smell something she cooked and feel a sudden, intense longing for her. It’s normal to miss someone you loved.

I’m sorry for your loss. I believe your grandma would be proud of the grown-up way you’re handling her death. I wish you a Merry Christmas.

Peer Educator response: First we’d like to say we’re so sorry for your loss, especially around the holiday. Your family is probably trying to not talk about the death because they see it as a way to cope and recover, but your way to cope might be different. Try sitting down with your family or even just one relative you trust and talk to them, tell them exactly how you feel. Talking about it could help you through the grieving process and even allow your family to realize how mature you are and that they can talk to you more.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.