Feb 4, 2015 5 min read

As I continue to remember 10 years of Ask Mary Jo columns, I will provide a monthly “vintage” column. Today I resurrected two questions about Valentine’s Day. I consistently hear from unhappy young people around Feb. 14. Some things don’t change.

Q. February 2005: Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I feel pressured to have a boyfriend. I’m single, I don’t have anyone in my life and I feel left out. I don’t want to be the only person not getting any presents from someone special on Valentine’s Day. At our school a lot of people get candy and flowers. Should I get someone just for the holiday so I can be like everyone else, or should I spend another “couples” holiday alone?

15-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response: We do seem to live in a “two-person” world. Valentine’s Day is just one of the holidays that reinforce that. Being alone can be tough. On the other hand, time alone can give us insight into who we are, and choosing to wait to be with someone who matters to us instead of hooking up with just anyone shows maturity and courage.

You mention that you want to be “like everyone else” on the holiday. I’d like to give you a challenge. Look around. Everyone isn’t on the receiving end of candy and flowers. Find someone who isn’t and get to know that person. You’re not really alone – other people feel just as you do.

Q. February 2009: I had another lousy Valentine’s Day. I hate that day. It sucks to be single anyway, and Feb. 14 only reminds single people of how alone they are. I’m not even sure why I’m writing – just to vent, I guess. I don’t expect you to change an entire Hallmark movement. But it’s really lonely.

16-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response: You’re not the first young person to complain about Valentine’s Day. I doubt you’ll be the last. Holidays can be difficult when our lives don’t fit into the stereotype of happiness that is linked to the holiday. Valentine’s Day can seem like a materialistic holiday that inspires cards, flowers, chocolates and dinners at fancy restaurants. I don’t object to these outward manifestations of love, but I do believe the love in a relationship should be celebrated every day in simple ways that show consistent commitment and caring. Valentine’s Day can also be a chance for couples to spend time together. Unfortunately we can get caught up in the culture and judge ourselves if we’re single.

Your real concern deals with being single. The pressure to be in a relationship can be unhealthy. Settling for the wrong person or getting too involved physically are only two ways people handle that pressure. How often are two people in a relationship simply because they don’t want to be alone? Having the strength to be single is character-building. Being at peace when alone is maturing. No one should be defined by a relationship. One of your tasks at 16 is discovering who you are, what you enjoy and how you want to spend your time. That discovery is actually easier if your life isn’t complicated with a relationship.

Peer Educator response: We understand. Sometimes it’s hard because you feel there’s no one to love you, but girl, there will be! You have good friends and family to love you even when you’re not in a relationship. Just ignore the Hallmark creation of Valentine’s Day. Take time to realize you’re loveable even if you’re alone. It is hard to be single, but it’s less complicated, too. Why not think of Valentine’s Day as an excuse to appreciate someone – anyone – in your life who matters to you? Show your family or your good friends that appreciation, and be happy for those who care about you.

Shout-out to the many teen volunteers who helped us at Washington’s Got Talent. These young people freely gave their time and energy. I treasure their dedication.

Students Helping Others (SHO) committee (in no particular order): Abby Hamilton, Bob Dittrich, Carly Zofchak, Dara Thomas, Elijah Frazier, Emma Flickinger, Heidi Coole, Jannah Adams, Madison Schwartzmiller, Mariah Chandler, Matt McDonald, Nathan Staso, Noah Deep, Olivia Bender, Patience Karan, Phil Baker, Sam Luba, Scott McFarland, Serena Green, Shaylyn Gower, Shealyn Steadman, Sidney Relihan, Taylor Ellis, Tina Bellhy, Zac Young

Stage managers: Serena Green and Shaylyn Gower.

Stage crew: Sasha V.M. Edwards, Aaron Moody and Toni Maurer

Production crew: Sam Luba, Leah Pagano and Matt Jeram

Student MCs: Tina Bellhy, Robert Dittrich, Nathan Staso and Nico LaBella

JROTC: Chris Fuller, Shawn Dallatore, Effy Shaffer, Sean Moleski, Jordan Sheppard, Dakota Lemley and Paul Stainbrook

Peer Educators: Treasure Caldwell, Daniel Pascoe, Shelby Studt, Malik Wells, Toni Maurer, Serena Green Sasha V.M. Edwards, Maci Joelle Ward, Cassidy Hiles, Zhiere Patmon, Angus Pinkerton, Saul Wells and Staci M. Boucher

Performing alumni: Anthony Darby, Ashley King, Timmy Lesso and Scarlett Loya

Luke Paskert and Nicole Klein

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.