Jan 14, 2015 6 min read

Time flies! This January marks the 10th anniversary of the Ask Mary Jo column. I remember my confusion as a child when my mom complained about the seasons speeding by: “It’s almost Christmas again,” she’d say. Christmas and other fun events took a ridiculous amount of time to arrive in my young perception. I understand now. I’ve enjoyed these 10 years of questions and responses and look forward to many more.

In honor of the anniversary, we decided to select a few “vintage” columns to re-run. I sought ones that appeared fresh, as if the problems young people presented a decade ago were unchanged. This column was from March 7, 2005. You’ll note a universal angst about a relationship, and the timeless concern of a child’s love/hate feelings about parental involvement. Some of the column is dated – teens today seldom use pagers. My good friend Dr. Sol Gordon died in 2008 at the age of 85. Finally, no peer educators offered responses in those early months. In time, I learned their perspective was priceless. Enjoy a small gift from the past!

Q.I’m in love with a great guy. My friends say he’s no good for me. They are so wrong. He pages me or calls my cell a lot to see what I’m doing and who I’m with – they think he calls to check up on me. I think he calls because he cares about me. And then last week when we were at McDonald’s he pulled me close to him real hard. Yeah, there was a bruise on my arm – so what? It was my own fault for flirting with other guys. He was so good to me afterward, and he said he felt real bad about it. I tell my friends he gets jealous because he loves me so much. We’re in love, right?

16-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response: I’m really glad you wrote to me. Love is complicated and sometimes confusing. But … before we talk about love – and we will – I’d like to talk with you about something very serious. I’m concerned that what you really need to ask yourself isn’t whether or not you’re in love. What matters most is whether or not you’re in a healthy relationship.

Dating violence is very scary to think about. It’s tough to think of someone you love as an abuser and to think of yourself as someone who is in an unsafe relationship. Listen closely. No one “deserves” to be hurt. Abuse can be physical or verbal and emotional. When someone loves another person, he or she trusts that person. Paging or calling repeatedly with no other reason than checking on your behavior is a danger sign for abuse. Acting out physically the way your boyfriend did at McDonald’s is more than normal jealousy. That’s another danger sign. It’s not your fault that he hurt you. No matter how well you are treated afterward, the hard truth is he shouldn’t have hurt you. Period.

I promised you we’d talk about love. Dr. Sol Gordon, author of “How Do You Know When You’re Really in Love and When Love Hurts,” is a friend of mine. Dr. Gordon believes love is a very strong feeling. If you think you’re in love, he writes, then you are. But Dr. Gordon describes two kinds of love – Mature Love and Immature Love. When the love you feel is mature you’re energized, free to be yourself, and happy to be around others; when the love is immature you’re on edge and afraid, trying to change yourself, and withdrawn around your friends. You may feel you love your boyfriend, but that feeling alone doesn’t make the relationship a healthy one. People who truly love you don’t hurt you. You need to talk to a trusted adult like your parents or guidance counselor at school right away.

Here are other ways to get help. In Washington, you may call the Teen Outreach office at 1-888-301-2311 or 724-222-2311 and ask for me. You can call Washington Women’s Shelter Inc.’s hotline at 1-800-791-4000 or 724-223-9190. If you want information on dating violence you can go online to www.loveisnotabuse.com. The website has a teen section. Please remember – you are a person of worth who deserves to be treated with respect. Your friends care about you. I care about you. Please keep in touch.

Question 2

This is all your fault. My mom went to some class of yours about parenting, and ever since she keeps trying to talk to me about sex. How do I shut her up?

13-year-old male

Mary Jo’s response

You’re probably not going to like this answer – but way to go mom! When parents try to open the door to talk about things like sexuality with their kids, they’re just doing their job. Someday if you’re a parent you may understand how she feels. The love you feel for your child is pretty intense – it’s like there’s this giant Mother or Father Lion inside you that wants to wrap your kid up in bubble wrap and protect him or her. So … give your mom a break. Answer her with more than one-syllable words like “fine” and “good” when she asks about your day and your friends. Even if it does seem strange, go to your mom when you have questions about sex. It’s OK for you to feel weird – talk with her anyway. She’s on your side. It’s also OK to tell her how you feel or that you don’t want to talk at the moment. You can always email me with questions, but the real truth is your parents are the best people to go to when you need someone to listen. You’re lucky she wants to be there for you – even if she does want to talk about sex!