Jan 16, 2015 3 min read

There was a study out this week claiming people aren’t going to the movies. The big studios can’t figure out why. I wish they would have just called me. I have the answers.

The films are downright awful, but they’ve been projecting garbage on the silver screen since they called it “the silver screen.” The movies don’t even matter at the multiplex. They make most of their money on the concession stand. The snacks are the problem. It’s certainly not a place for the health-conscious people who are trying to stick to their resolutions.

The small Diet Coke was about 32 ounces. How is that a small? That’s more soda than I drank in all of 2014 in one giant cup. I can’t have all of that. I certainly can’t put in 32 ounces of liquid without dispensing it. I cross my legs until I can’t take it anymore. I end up missing a crucial four minutes of the film.

I whisper, “What? Why is the redhead trying to kill him?”

My friend leans in and says, “She’s a spy for the other guys.”

I missed that part. So, I stopped ordering the soda.

So, there I am with a barrel full of popcorn and nothing to drink. There’s an Atlantic Ocean’s worth of salt on it. I can’t eat it without a beverage. So, I don’t buy the popcorn anymore.

Side note: My niece and nephew like to order Slushies. I don’t drink anything that comes in fluorescent colors, especially if it looks like I licked the paint off a ceramic Smurf. It bothers me when they order it by color.

“I’ll have the blue one.”

Blue is a color, not a flavor!

Forget Milk Duds. Ever since I got a replacement front tooth, I’m afraid of all things chewy.

It shouldn’t be unreasonable to go two hours without eating or drinking anything, but I’m usually starving before the trailer’ end (there’s like 17 of them). I’m accustomed to having snacks, and now I don’t have snacks. It’s Pavlov’s popcorn.

I want it because I used to have it. It doesn’t help that the theater runs an ad with popcorn popping and ice cubes plunking down into a glass with soda fizzing all over it. I’m drooling now just thinking about it.

I want to have healthy snacks. You can’t bring an apple to the movies. They frown on bringing your own stuff, but they’re not likely to sell them, either. If the theater sold apples, I’m sure they’d have a coating of chocolate and caramel on them and cost $9.50. Besides, apples make a bigger crunch than popcorn.

I’m pretty sure I’d miss important bits of dialogue if I were biting into a Granny Smith. It’s just as well. According to the dentist, I’m supposed to cut my apples into slices anyway.

Imagine a theater that sold smoothies instead of Slushies, trail mix instead of Milk Duds and popcorn-flavored rice cakes. I’d be all over that. I’d finally be able to have a guilt-free cinematic experience. I’d have nothing left to complain about but the actual movie.