Jul 1, 2015 6 min read

Q.I’ve been on social media a lot since the Supreme Court decision about marriage. I’d like to ask you two questions for your column. 1. Why do people come out of the closet? I know the promise of happiness or pressure from others might make a person come out but if it’s unsafe I don’t see why people do it. Isn’t it safer in the closet? 2. Why do so many Christians feel the need to post hateful and mean comments about gay people? I understand disagreeing but why hate? I’m a Christian and I don’t feel that way. I spoke with my youth pastor and he agreed with me. What do you think?

18-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Excellent, insightful questions – your thoughts reflect a young person who is other-directed. Thank you for writing.

Before we look at LGBTQAI (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, ally/asexual, intersex) individuals and their possible reasons for coming out of the closet, let’s talk about the concept of closeting, or hiding a part of oneself.

Have you ever considered the way many people keep secrets? Secrets can be very serious. I’ve been honored to serve young survivors of child abuse. Often children do not disclose abuse out of fear, shame or guilt. Many other young people hide their real sexual experiences from adults because they fear judgment. People living with a life -threatening illness like HIV or cancer may stay in the closet and keep those diagnoses hidden. Our secrets may be less intense but still important to us. A student may hide a poor grade; a child who is bullied may be afraid to share what’s really happening. Trust helps a person feel safe enough to open closet doors.

The people affected by the Supreme Court decision on marriage are LGBTQ individuals, so your question about coming out refers to people finding the courage to be true to those identities. Is it safer in the closet? It can be. I know many young people who are in real danger of rejection or physical abuse when they come out. Think about the stress of pretending to be someone you’re not every day of your life. How do you think you’d feel? I’ve spoken with many young people who’ve come out. These are some of their reasons:

• I couldn’t keep lying to people I love.

• I was tired of pretending. I was tired of being afraid.

• I thought my coming out might help another human being who was struggling.

• I was so depressed before I came out. When my parents accepted me my life became so much better.

• I didn’t see any reason to hide who I really am. Why should I?

Responding to the needs and feelings of others with empathy and understanding is a mature response. Model respect. I wish we didn’t live in a world where people are labeled. Since one of the foundations of my work is my belief that each person is a person of worth, regardless of ability, age, class, gender, gender identity, ethnicity, race, religion or belief system or sexual orientation, I try to avoid judgment. Striving to be nonjudgmental isn’t easy. I still try.

Your second question involves faith. A person’s faith is personal. Many people of the same faith have different perspectives. As you grow through life, you will grow in your faith. My own faith is strong; my papa taught me how to live my faith by his example. He was a very nonjudgmental person. He answered my questions. I’m glad you spoke with your youth pastor and I’m glad he eased your mind. A trusted adult who can help you with faith questions is a gift.

Regardless of a person’s religion, I think social media allows people to make anonymous comments; hurtful or even hateful comments can be made when hiding behind a computer screen. Disagreeing and expressing one’s opinion is OK; hate can lead to violence. I agree with you. I don’t think hating other people is a Christian belief.

Living your faith is about you and God, not about you and anyone else. Try to do the right thing and avoid judging others, even when it’s difficult. Please note: Our peer educators put a lot of thought into their responses. Some of them wanted me to use their names in the column. I refused. My job is to protect them. Their courage is humbling and I am grateful for their honesty.

Peer educator response: To your first question, we simply believe people come out of the closet to be themselves. People today are more accepting than in the past so more people are coming out. It’s really about acceptance. Even if there are risks, in the end, it’s probably worth it. It’s hard to be around people you love without them knowing all the important parts of you. Staying in the closet means lying to the people you care about. It’s also harder to find a partner in the closet. Second question: Some of us are Christian but we feel no hatred towards LGBT people at all. We think people are angry when something happens they don’t agree with … and some of those people get hateful.

A few of us are both Christian and LGBT. Most of our fellow Christians know but still love us. They may not accept that part of our lives but they still welcome us to church with open arms. As to coming out, we agree with acceptance as the primary reason. It feels amazing to be able to talk openly and honestly to our families. Coming out means being true to ourselves and not having to worry about hiding any more – which is very good.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.