Jul 7, 2015 3 min read

It’s summer. Unable to sustain a thought for more than 90 uninterrupted seconds, I’ve compiled a list of opinions that no one really cares about. Sort of like a whining U.S. Supreme Court justice.

• A friend points out an incongruity seen while driving east of Pittsburgh: above a semi-derelict building, a shared sign that advertises Bud Light and a driving school. Why wait until you have a license for that important first DUI? Pop open a Bud Light Crime.

• U.S. women’s soccer team defeats Japan to win World Cup, and CNN chooses to memorialize the moment with this headline: “Same-sex kiss seals U.S. victory.” CNN really stretched it here to connect the victory with the U.S. Supreme Court’s newly minted decision in favor of the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. In doing so, CNN – and several other news outlets – blindly disregarded that in the afterglow of a momentous victory, U.S. captain Abby Wambach probably would have kissed her spouse of two years, Sarah Huffman, even if the court had decided conversely.

• Another curious juxtaposition seen while driving: A single building, one end housing a church, the other home to a beer distributor. Inside, perhaps, the answer to the age-old biblical question, What Would Jesus Brew?

• Written on the 1-inch ceramic Scrabble tile-like squares above a urinal at West Penn Hospital in Bloomfield: LET GO BUCS. Which begs the question, was the writer espousing his viewpoint that the Pittsburgh Pirates were having trouble peeing, or was he merely not well-versed in the use of verb contractions?

• Those who say that flying the Confederate flag is a symbol of heritage really should have no problem with their German neighbors running a swastika up the pole.

• Cookie maker Nabisco, apparently fearing that weight-watching Americans may soon abandon Double Stuff Oreos, next week will launch Oreo Thins. Aimed at an adult market craving “a more sophisticated cookie,” Thins provide “a delicious new snacking experience for anyone looking for a more grown-up option.” Four Thins equal 140 calories, whereas three original Oreos pack a whopping 160 calories. Eat 12; they’re small.

• U.S. senator and Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz dismissed 239 years of U.S. history last week with his reaction to the same-sex marriage ruling and the high court’s refusal to overturn the Affordable Health Care Act (“Obamacare”). “Today is some of the darkest 24 hours in our nation’s history,” Cruz told conservative talk show host Sean Hannity. Really? Do “Gettysburg,” “Pearl Harbor” and “9/11” ring a bell?

• U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia went Cruz one better in his dissent to the court’s ruling on same-sex marriage, calling the majority decision “pure applesauce” and “jiggery-pokery.” In using the former, Scalia managed to sound like “The Simpsons” character Montgomery Burns, a malevolent, out-of-touch multi-billionaire whose fondest memories are his halcyon days in the Gay Nineties. Well, maybe not so gay. And with “jiggery-pokery,” Scalia invoked part of a spell used by wizard Harry Potter to scare off his muggle cousin, Dudley Dursley. “Jiggery-pokery, hocus pocus, squiggly wiggly,” Potter intoned.

Justice Harry Potter? Well, he does wear a black robe.