Jun 10, 2015 5 min read

What do you think of taking a gap year? I’ve decided that’s what I want. My parents are split on this, which is no surprise to me because they’ve been split on just about everything since they split from each other. My mom thinks it would be good for me. She said she rushed into things when she was 18 and wishes she hadn’t. My dad said taking a year off before college is, to paraphrase his words (and make them OK for a newspaper audience), just plain stupid. Before you think I’m being forced to take a year off because I goofed off in high school, my grades are good, my SATs are good and I’ve been accepted into three colleges. I want to go to school, I do want to. But I want some space. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life in “shared custody.” Read that as “spend a few days with mom and a few days with dad and a holiday here and a holiday there.” I want my own place. No dorms, no other people. Just a little privacy and a place I can call mine. I’m working, making $12 an hour. I’m not asking anyone for anything. My gram is so sweet, though, and she’s offered to help get me started. I can do this. I know I can. I just don’t want to take sides between my mom and my dad. I’m really sick of doing that. I trust you. Any thoughts? Thanks.

18-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Congratulations on graduating and on those good grades and SAT scores! Thanks for your trust.

I hear you saying you actually have two challenges: 1. Should you take a gap year?; and, 2. How do you communicate your decision so both parents are pleased?

The first question appears an easy one. It sounds as if you’ve decided to take a year off. You ask me how I feel about taking a gap year. The simple truth is my response depends on the individual. Not all high school graduates are ready for more education, but not all who take a year off from school are motivated to return. I’ve observed young people take a gap year and do extremely well; I’ve seen teens who never return to school. Which will you be?

You know yourself better than others know you. Let’s talk about your life influences. Your mom’s regret is not a signal for you to be extra cautious at 18. You’re different people. Attending college is a big step, yet can be very liberating. You’re seeking change; college would certainly provide opportunities. On the other hand, the responsibility of living on your own could offer you a chance at truly reaching for adulthood.

I also hear you saying you crave space of your own. Your parents’ divorce and your custody arrangements make you long for privacy and the stability of one residence. I have empathy for your feelings. Parent choices are not a young person’s fault. I am concerned about one thing – is your intense desire to escape your situation motivating you? Have you considered requesting a college private room or living off campus? If your gram is willing to help you get started, could she help you find private living space near your college? You could attend school and still find the type of life you want.

Have you connected with the colleges offering you acceptance? I’d speak with their admission departments. Will their offers be available in a year? One of the very real challenges of taking a gap year lies in returning to school.

It sounds as if you’re prepared to return to school in a year. Plan your long-term goals carefully and stick with them.

Your second challenge is a little more complicated. Pleasing both parents shouldn’t be your primary goal. Don’t take sides. Make your decision, tell them both with genuine respect, listen to their thoughts and move forward. I think you should share your desire to honor them both while making your own choices. Good luck and keep in touch.

Peer Educator response: You should do what you want to do. No matter which side you pick, someone isn’t going to get their way, and that’s OK! You have a lot ahead of you. If you think you need a year off, then take it! Be sure to stay motivated. Some people get lazy and end up never going back to school. Keep focused. If you go to college, you could enter undecided. That way you’ve started school, but you give yourself time to decide what you want to do. We think you’re very brave to make your own choices and stay with them. Best of luck to you!

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.