Jun 26, 2015 3 min read

I have triumphantly returned from the beach. Aside from my deep-seated hatred of my alarm clock, I’m still carrying around a positive, post-vacation smiley face. It’s a peaceful, easy feeling.

I spent a few days in Virginia and North Carolina. I went to the beach, the pool and a museum. I rode in a very fast boat and swam about 50 feet away from dolphins. One particular dolphin, Splashy McSplasherson (my own nickname for her), was showing off; she was splashing around incessantly. I heard there were a lot of newborns in the pod, and it’s quite possible she was just learning to use her flippers. I don’t want to unnecessarily anthropomorphize the sea mammal, but I guess I lost that fight the moment I gave her a name. Also, I was never that close to discern the sex of the animal but decided that she was a girl dolphin; because most people think of dolphins as boys (I blame Flipper). I want to add that even if I was able to get extremely close to the dolphin, I would probably still be unable to determine the sex of the creature.

Picture me, in a gravelly Dr. McCoy voice, saying, “Dammit Jim, I’m not a marine biologist, I’m a humorist!”

P.S.: I suppose it doesn’t matter if it’s a male or female dolphin. I’m not going to date one.

While on a dolphin-watching expedition, I learned bottlenose dolphins have signature whistles, a whistle that is unique to a specific individual. These whistles are used in order for dolphins to communicate with one another by identifying each individual. In other words, they have their own names, and they can recognize each other even after being apart for 20 years. I don’t want to be specist, but all dolphins look the same to me (I want to go on record as saying I don’t hate any dolphins, except when the Steelers are in Miami).

Clearly, dolphins are smarter than I am. I don’t remember people after 20 minutes; certainly not after 20 years. I ran into someone from high school, and I had to run home and look him up in the yearbook. To be fair, most dolphins don’t get fat and bald. It’s all the swimming.

Imagine dolphins swimming into each other after two decades apart. I bet the conversation is just as difficult.

“Hey, Bill, what have you been up to for the past 20 years?”

“Well, Steven, I’m married with 16 kids. You?”

“Just hanging out. I haven’t found the right mate yet. But I’m still keeping my flippers crossed.”

Awkward.

It probably ends the same, too. “We ought to go fishing sometime like we did in the old days.”

You know they’re never going to hang out. It’s just something they click and whistle to each other.

A while back, I went to Dolphin Bay Hotel on the coast of Crete in Greece. The only dolphins I saw there were in frescos. There are these beautiful paintings of blue dolphins swimming along the walls of the Minoan temple. They are thousands of years old. It’s just proof, to me at least, that dolphins will always be cool.