Mar 18, 2015 5 min read

Here’s another vintage column in honor of the Ask Mary Jo 10th anniversary. This one is from May 31, 2005, before I began seeking peer educators’ wisdom. The first question made me smile; the second is so common I could probably include it in this column monthly.

Q.Do you teach sex ed classes for old people? Because I think my parents could really use them.

17-year-old male

Mary Jo’s response: You’re not the first person to ask me if I taught classes for people who aren’t teens. (You’ll notice I avoided the word “old”!). It’s probably not a bad idea. You may find this strange, but most people over 40 had absolutely no formal sexuality education when they were growing up. Many parents simply didn’t discuss even basic puberty with their kids. Movies and television were a lot less open about sexuality – even when Lucille Ball of “I Love Lucy” was pregnant, she and her co-star (and actual husband) Ricky slept in separate beds on the TV show. Pregnant teachers were required to leave school before their babies were “showing” to protect young people from the reality of conception. There was no Internet, so teens couldn’t “Google” their questions when they were curious. It’s very possible your parents grew up in an era when a lot of basic knowledge about sexuality was hidden.

An interesting book about the ’50s and early ’60s is sociologist Stephanie Coontz’s “The Way We Never Were.” Coontz states that American culture then covered up most problems, but teen pregnancy and domestic violence and child abuse existed.

Your question makes me wonder if you’re worried about your parents’ relationship. I often tell young people in my classes that there is no statute of limitations on making the wrong decisions in relationships; older people make mistakes, too. Just remember no young person is responsible if his or her parents’ marriage falters or relationship ends. You’re only responsible for your own decisions, not those of the adults in your life.

I do often consider offering a sexuality workshop for people 40 and above – I think it might be fun! Thanks for the suggestion.

2015 note: I began teaching a workshop called Sexuality, Intimacy and Aging in 2009. I was correct – it is a lot of fun. The target group is older than my young 2005 questioner expected. Adults over 65 are invited to the program. Intimacy can become challenging as health issues enter our lives, yet staying connected to a partner can be very life-affirming.

Q.I’m late, so I must be pregnant, right? How do I tell my parents that I think I might be pregnant without hurting them or making them hate me?

16-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response: First, you need to find out whether or not you are pregnant. You may have a lot of anxiety for no reason. The first thing I ask a young woman in your situation deals with her sexual involvement. If you haven’t had sexual contact with a partner that allowed your egg (ovum) to connect with your partner’s sperm, you can’t be pregnant.

There are a lot of reasons a woman’s period may be late, including:

• medications, such as hormone therapy and oral contraceptives;

• ovarian cysts;

• strenuous physical activity;

• significant weight loss or gain;

• extreme emotional stress;

• a major change in lifestyle (starting college is one example);

• chronic disease, illness, infection;

• eating disorders;

• polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS); and

• pregnancy.

It sounds like you really want to share your fears with your parents. I’m glad. It’s tough to consider hurting someone you love by disappointing them; it’s also frightening to think of how that person will react. Once again, you may be very anxious for nothing. What you imagine may never happen.

I’ve seen so many parents help their daughters in similar situations. At first they may be upset, but in time they are supportive. As hard as it may be, I recommend talking with one or both of your parents as soon as possible. Use “I” messages to tell them how you feel. Share how much you don’t want to hurt them and explain your fear of being rejected. If you can’t imagine speaking to your parents first, find an aunt or uncle or grandparent who can help you talk with them. I’ll be happy to help you tell your mom or dad if you like; I’ve done that before. Trust the adults in your life to help you. If you have a boyfriend you need to encourage him to talk with his parents, too.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.