Mar 25, 2015 5 min read

Q.I’m so angry I don’t know where to turn. Maybe you can help. I’m a dad, and I take that role very seriously. My oldest son is 16. He has his first girlfriend. I like the girl, and I thought her family was much like ours. But it’s not. The other night my son came home from spending time at his girlfriend’s house. I knew he was high. When I confronted him, he told me the truth – he smoked marijuana at her house. This is the part that makes me so angry I don’t know what to do. His girlfriend’s mom gave them both the weed and smoked with them! What’s my next step? How do I handle this without alienating my son? My first instinct is to report the woman to CYS. Would that make things worse? Thanks for your help.

Worried dad

Mary Jo’s response:

Parenting is a huge vocation. I feel your anger and understand. Being a father is a great responsibility. Your situation is a challenging one, but I believe you already know what should be done.

I think your first task is to communicate openly with your child. When I explain confidentiality to young people I tell them I will keep their secrets unless they’re in danger or are a danger to others. I then share how I will seek help if necessary. I explain that I’m a mandated reporter; some secrets cannot be kept. I promise I will never share anything they tell me without them knowing exactly what I plan to say, and to whom. I’ve not broken that promise in over 40 years.

Your responsibility as a dad and as a caring adult in our society is similar. Your task is to create a bond with your son that allows him to have empathy for your situation. He may be angry now, but stay open to his feelings. Don’t overreact. Your son must feel respected. He needs to know your love for him is unconditional. I suggest using this as a teachable moment. You’re a parent, not your son’s buddy. The character you hope to instill in him will last a lifetime. Share your angst, explain how difficult this decision is, talk about your concern that he not feel alienated. Most important, he needs to see your example as you do the right thing. The right thing is often very difficult. It is still the right thing.

Talk with your son, not at him. Share the importance of obeying the law. Even though an adult gave him an illegal drug, he was old enough to make choices. He is responsible. How you handle his role in this depends on your parenting style. I believe you’ll choose wisely. He needs to know you don’t approve. There are consequences to actions.

Communicate your concerns regarding the adult in this situation. Your son needs to know adults make mistakes. Frankly, if we substitute the marijuana for alcohol, this scenario is not uncommon. Giving alcohol to a minor is illegal, but many parents feel OK doing so. I’ve had parents tell me, “I took the keys so no one could drive” when alcohol was provided at a teen party. My response is terse. I ask, “Did you also provide condoms?” Adult example is heard much louder than any words. Children see what we do.

Your example in this situation is key. Your son is observing your reaction. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Your son’s girlfriend’s mother needs to be confronted. She needs to know you do not approve of her actions. She needs to realize she broke the law. She may deny involvement. Be clear that you believe your son.

2. Even if it jeopardizes their relationship, I would feel uncomfortable allowing your son time at his girlfriend’s home. Your job is to protect your child. They can get together at your home or at the movies or a restaurant. The young couple may break up. If so, stand strong. Keep your son occupied with family activities. Explain your reasoning with kindness and respect.

3. Involve your son in your decisions. Role play with him. Pretend you’re 16 and he’s your parent. How would he react? He may argue that marijuana is legal in some states. He’s correct, it is. It’s not legal in Pennsylvania. If he feels strongly about legalizing marijuana, teach him about advocacy and legal ways to make change.

Finally, you ask if you should connect with CYS. Any time an adult feels a minor child is in danger, the adult should report the behavior. The consequences in this situation are complicated. If your son agrees with your decisions – and he may, since he was honest with you – involving an agency outside the home may cause real anger. Again, the right thing is still the right thing. It’s not your job to decide how/if CYS will handle the situation. If you feel it is reportable, then you need to follow through. You can call ChildLine at 1-800-932-0313. Your call is anonymous.

I’ll be happy to meet with you and your son if you wish.

Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.