May 1, 2015 3 min read

I had to impart some dating advice recently. I realize that going to me for dating advice is a lot like going to Jabba the Hutt for dieting advice, but I have to share. After all, I know all the rules to Parcheesi, even though I haven’t played the game in years.

I know a young twenty-something woman who had a boy call her Friday and ask her for a date for that very evening. I tried to dissuade her from going out with the boy that night. I am a strict believer in the rule: If you want a date for Friday, you must call by Wednesday.

I tried to persuade the young, single girl to pretend to be a fire truck. Out of context, that sounds like bad advice, but bear with me. Most men are like 4-year old boys, even if they don’t know it. A boy will play with a red Tonka fire engine for a while and then go off and play Legos. They will think nothing of the fire truck unless some other kid picks it up. The next thing you know, they’re all, “Mine. Mine. Mine.” Boys are also pigeons from “Finding Nemo.”

I told the young woman, “To keep a guy interested, you have to be busy with your own life. If you’re too available, you’re not a prize anymore.” She agreed to forgo a Friday date, and gave him an alternate night.

Sunday mornings, I used to get calls from guys who would be startled that a man answered the phone. They would say, “Is Cindy there?” And I would say, “Nope. There is no Cindy here.” After a few weekends, I realized this Cindy chick was giving out my number as her own to guys she couldn’t brush off. I am guessing she probably did the thing where she gave a phone number that was one digit away from her real number. It’s the easiest way to rattle off a fake number. I may not have liked that she used my phone number as her escape clause, but I have to admire her. If these guys were desperate enough to call on a Sunday morning, they probably weren’t worth dating. It’s another rookie dating move.

If you’re a guy and you get someone’s number on a Friday night, you can’t call until Monday or Tuesday evening. Look, I don’t make the rules, I enforce them.

There’s an uncomfortable and funny moment in the movie “Swingers” when Jon Favreau calls a girl right after he meets her. Then, he calls her back, apologizing for the first phone call. Then, he calls back because he wants to correct something he said on the previous call. It continues, ad nauseam, until she picks up the phone and tells him never to call again. It’s like watching a slow-motion playback of a NASCAR crash; horrible to watch, even if you can’t look away.

Since the advent of the telephone, the rules are always the same. When my mom was in bobby socks and poodle skirts, she knew the rules. It’s pretty simple: Girls, don’t be too available. Boys, don’t be desperate.

Note: This advice comes from someone who is both available and desperate, so proceed with caution.