May 15, 2015 3 min read

I finally got around to seeing “Avengers: Age of Ultron.” It’s the first big action movie that kicks off the action movie season. A lot of stuff gets blown up real good. Explosions are the raison d’etre of all summer action movies (French words just aren’t used to describe very many action movies … except in France).

It was fun seeing the iconic comic book characters brave all odds to fight against an impossible foe. The bad guy isn’t really a guy, but a robot who sounds like Alan Shore from “Boston Legal.” Ultron is an angry robot who learns about humanity by accessing the Internet, and, quite naturally, decides we must be destroyed. He must have read about Justin Bieber, the Kardashians and Deflategate. Who could blame him, really?

Two of my favorite comic book characters make their film debut, Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. He can run really fast, and she has a weird array of mental powers. In the movie version, she has telekinesis and telepathy (she can move objects with her mind and get into other people’s heads and poke around).

I always wanted superpowers, but here’s the thing. I don’t know if they would make me a hero. I don’t do a lot of heroic stuff now; I doubt a bunch of powers would change that.

I don’t know if being fast would be enough to make me run. I don’t really run now, unless it’s to the refrigerator during a commercial. I may have super speed and not even know it. I did manage to pop popcorn, grab a soda and still make it back to hear Steve Buscemi exclaim, “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!” before “The Good Wife” came back on.

I don’t think telekinesis would make me a superhero, either. I really would just use it to turn off the bedroom light without getting out of bed. So, basically, I don’t need superpowers, I just need a clapper. “Clap on, Clap off!”

Since the Scarlet Witch can throw trucks around with the power of her mind, I bet I would, at least, use my power to vacuum under the sofa (by lifting it up in midair, Samantha Stephens style) to get after those wayward popcorn kernels, but I don’t see myself fighting crime.

As far as reading minds go, I’ll pass. I have had some people say some pretty awful stuff to my face; I don’t think I want to know what they’re holding back. Mind-reading wouldn’t be that useful in fighting crime, either. Imagine I learn, telepathically, that someone is planning to rob a bank or let air out of their football. I am pretty sure it would be considered hearsay and inadmissible evidence.

See, you can learn stuff from watching “The Good Wife”!

There are plenty of people who risk their lives every day without superpowers. I think if I were given special abilities, I’d like to pass them on to firefighters, EMTs and those Doctors without Borders. I’m pretty sure they’d make better use of them than I would.